Diddiology #5: The Final Chapter: "Bad Boy for Life"

Sometimes I love it when I don’t have to try hard to show why someone is a fake, a phoney, and a charlatan. These Diddy blogs have been easy to do, but oddly more time consuming than my movie blogs, but today’s final (?) entry was particularly sweet. The stars aligned at the perfect time and Diddy managed to play right into my hand. Actually, Jamie Foxx played into it as well.

A who’s who of hip-hop (including the only briefly glimpsed Fergie and Archbishop Don Magic Juan) turned out last week to celebrate Diddy getting his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; right in between Vince McMahon and Kermit the Frog. His impact on hip-hop culture is undeniable and it was really only a matter of time before he got his own star, but what no one will say is that these stars are purchased from the City of Los Angeles and are not earned. Diddy not only had to apply for his star, but also had to pay $75,000 for it (half of which goes to charity, but Diddy neglected to say where the money is going).

Diddy said in interviews earlier in the day that the star ceremony was his “coming out party” in Hollywood. Diddy now plans to divide his time between New York and Los Angeles to further his acting career. Who better to have spoken at his introduction that a former Oscar winner-slash-shitty musician who on that day looked like a homeless man poured into a suit? Foxx was spouting nonsensical and pointless craze through his gapped teeth without the slightest shred of irony. While Foxx’s pandering to the crowd looked almost like a cry for help, it was what Diddy said in an interview before the ceremony that gave me the hook I needed to completely tie together all the loose ends in my series and present our closing (?) video, “Bad Boy for Life.”

In between remarks made about his conspicuous lack of bling aside from solid gold cufflinks and a $30,000 watch that he described with backwards logic...

“We going through a recession now, so I’m cutting back.”

...and a bizarre statement about how he was able to adapt to the new music selling dynamic created by the internet...

“You throw me in the jungle butt-naked, I come out with a lion’s head, some bear skins and a whole bunch of food. I may be driving a Maybach.”

...and how amazingly extravagant his allegedly intimate gathering of 250 friends at the house of supermarket magnate Ron Burkle was going to be...

“It’s up there. I can’t confirm it’s $4 million. It’s priceless.”

...he stooped to no longer referring to himself as a person, but as a brand name:

“I’m a definition of how to build a brand and a 360 model. I feel like the definition of that.”

Diddy isn’t wrong that he has become a brand, but he is wrong about the definition part. The definition of Diddy should be shameless. What else could it be? He influenced tons of artists from Pete Wentz to 50 Cent to Jewel to create their own branding because he made a shitload off of it. This is a man who thinks everyone holds him in such high esteem that they will take the time out of his day to take a piss.

See, if you watched that, you proved him right.

“Bad Boy for Life” was saved for last (?) because it brings together all the elements of my previous subjects for a final review. It is needlessly long; starting and stopping at will with a huge budget, numerous cameos, light up walls, pyrotechnics, musicians used as ringers, terrible dancing, a simplistic chorus, pointless swagger, unfunny jokes, an asshole butler who still thinks he is fucking hilarious, a party sequence, and generally unnecessary stunt work.

But above all those facets listed above that I have covered in depth in previous entries, this video has a ri-God-damn-diculous amount of branding. The Bad Boy name and Sean John clothing and respective logos are seen or spoken 171 times. I took a day and a half counting this. There isn’t even including other instances of product placement for things that Diddy doesn’t own like the NBA and Cristal. 171 times; there aren’t even that many swears in the first two hours or “Scarface” and this is a six minute video. It is never more apparent than in this video that Diddy is no longer a person, rapper or producer. He is a snake oil salesman on autopilot. Quite simply the man is funnier than anything I could come up with on my own.

0:00- Perfectown U.S.A. Of course it is.

0:08- The storm that is coming never actually does anything.

0:14- I tried finding a video clip of it, but since MTV pulls everything off the internet as soon as they can find it, I will just have to explain the significance of this bus. At the 2001 MTV VMAs, Diddy wasn’t invited to perform so he creates a Courtney Love style scene by crashing the red carpet ceremonies and performances and interrupting, of all bands, Mudvayne by performing this song on top of a moving bus and then going on camera Kanye West style saying how hurt he was that he wasn’t invited to perform. Not only was this not a single yet, but the album wasn’t even due out for months. Just another side story that I vividly remember being pissed off about.

0:20- We all know there is no way the secret service would ever protect this man or his incredibly shrinking “family.”

0:25- Phew! It was just some fat guy... no wait, it was Diddy. Fuck.

0:35- They are branding gardening equipment now?

0:44- I have to wonder if Diddy knows you can’t just pull up to a house, pull the sign of the lawn and claim it as your own. In fact, it is the responsibility of the realtor to remove the sign.

0:48- Because when I first move into a house the first thing I do is go and sit straddling the pointiest part of the roof.

0:51- Apparently the definition of Diddy really has changed over the years.

0:59- You might not be laughing, but you are a joke as a rapper.

1:04- You think that guy would have called for an ambulance by now or at least, you know, helped her.

1:05- While I like what he did with the garage, where the hell is he going to park everyone’s cars? On the lawn? This seems like the kind of neighbourhood that would get really upset over that.

1:06- What happened to your last set of ringers? Why did Dave Navarro and Travis Barker (who I am a fan of but never ceases to make me feel embarrassed for him) need to step in for Rob Zombie and Dave Grohl? Right. Because you really just want to show off how many people you know.

1:10- Sweet. Now I can forge his signature. Also, I hope his check writing is better than his rhyme writing, but apparently neither is something to worry about.

1:15- Those are the three most disconnected lines in hip-hop history.

1:32- I totally forgot the entire time period when scooters were popular probably because I just thought I would look far too silly owning one.

1:38- If Pat O’ Brien was my neighbour I would move far the fuck away.

1:44- I see this image in my darkest hours; in the dead of night when I try so hard to catch those little slices of death they call sleep. How I loathe them.

1:53- Fucking great. The dude whose greatest accomplishment in life was rhyming “woah” with “woah” is here. This town sucks, but apparently the dude at the airbrush kiosk in the mall makes a killing.

1:56- Those scantily clad women are not Harlem Heat.

2:02- Ice Cube looks so pissed that it’s almost as if someone fucked up his own video.

2:08- Did they seriously just compare a lawnmower to an ATV?

2:14- How he just did that without falling mystifies me.

2:24- You just had your thug credit revoked, Black. You see what you said cancelled itself out meaning that you actually would only talk to someone wearing a wire. Please leave the gang now.

2:27- Holy shit. I hope Snoop got paid a lot of money to grow that moustache. It probably doubled his body weight.

2:33- Deep down Xzibit is saddened to find out that no rides need pimping out.

2:40- The talents of Diddy’s umbrella holder know no bounds.

2:48- If you look closely, the club just taps the ball and it falls straight down off the roof.

2:57- Stop. Not only the video, but also the commentary.

It is time to announce here in the final Diddy blog my new series that will be devoted to someone I harbour almost as deep a hatred for: Ben Stiller. I say almost because I can shut on and off my hate for this man, and also because he has been a part of quite a few good films: “Zoolander,” “Dodgeball,” and “Heavyweights,” not withstanding amusing cameos in “Anchorman” and “Happy Gilmore.” He also directed the vastly underated by some (including myself) and still widely hated by others Jim Carrey film “The Cable Guy.” He even turned in a good dramatic performance when he played real life television writer Jerry Stahl in the definitely underrated “Permanent Midnight.” This is not the Ben Stiller I hate. The Ben Stiller on display in this video is the one I hate.

The awkward and chronically embarrassed nerd who stammers over his words like it’s... you know...no...big...*waves hands around while self consciously snickering*...thing. The same Ben Stiller who had a song dedicated to him by Limp Bizkit and returned the favour by showing up as the same stammering nerd on one of their albums. In short, unless he is playing a person who actually lived (“Midnight”) or someone who could never exist in the real world (“Zoolander”) the man has no personality and is painfully unfunny. This compromises half of the movies he has ever done.

Every time I see “There’s Something About Mary,” “Reality Bites,” “Along Came Polly,” or even “Night at the Museum,” it bothers me that he is essentially doing the same thing Diddy does: he has branded himself and all the people who keep encouraging him are just sheep. More on that next week. Just the sight of him is pissing me off and my medication hasn’t fully taken hold yet.

3:43- I always thought Mark Curry was the dude from “Hanging With Mr. Cooper.”

3:51- This is the easiest paycheck Nelly has ever earned.

3:57- Diddy is the master of the “look into the camera pass.”

4:08- That may very well be the worst victory dance ever but if being in the video keeps Shaq out of the rap game, the world is a better place for it.

4:13- No, I really can’t believe it.

4:15- Diddy should get that shoulder twitch looked at if it is bothering him so much.

4:23- That is more of a threat than a promise.

4:24- Because we wouldn’t have been able to figure out that by it being dark that it wasn’t night or later.

4:26- Anytime you see three kids in the middle of the street with plugs and a long extention cord, you know no good can come of this.

4:29- What the fuck is it with Diddy and light up walls and how many does he own?

4:32- Who the hell got to wear all red? He’s fucking up the shot.

4:41- Because a helmet isn’t quality unless it has the Bad Boy logo on it.

5:02- This video doesn’t just jump the shark, it jumps the whole fucking town.

5:04- Why the fuck is that smug looking asshole standing there with champagne? Was Diddy supposed to grab one on the way down? Does he have to do this again?

5:18- Is it too late to get a refund on my tickets to the gun show?

5:29- Who knew that less than ten years later no one would give a shit about Crazy Town? Wait, I totally did.

5:33- He looks uncannily like Dennis Rodman.

5:47- If she is coming from that side of Diddy’s house she also ended up waking up next to Pat O’ Brien. No wonder she is embarrassed to show her face on camera.