Diddiology #4: "It's All About the Benjamins (Rock Remix)"

I woke up at seven in the morning for this because I had forgotten about it all week; I knew I was in for a rough time. To fully chronicle P. Diddy’s “It’s All About the Benjamins” you come to the disheartening realisation that not only are there two versions of the song, the album version that appears on “No Way Out” and the cash-in rock remix, but there is not one, not two, but five fucking videos to go along with it; while researching over the past few weeks I have sadly watched all of them.

The original song has two versions with a pointless and incoherent storyline about something, I guess. I can’t remember what it was. One version of the two cuts out the story leaving just the song. The rock remix, which I was planning on focusing on more and will document today, has three versions. There is the original version that is just performance and dancers who look like they are acting over the opening credits to “Seven” and two videos with a storyline about Diddy and The Fam crashing a prom; one of them is excessively long.

I planned to make this blog epic in terms of scope and coverage, but deep down I really only wanted to do the long form video of the rock remix. I uncrossed my eyes and went straight to YouTube only to find that every version of the video except for the one I wanted to do in the first place have been taken down. I dropped to my knees and thanked God for such good fortune.

The main problem I have with the “Benjamins” remix is that it just might be the most cluttered song ever created short of one of Stradivarius’ atonal compositions. Rock and rap can go together at times, but there are so many people on this track that it becomes completely discordant.

On the hip-hop side of things you have Puffy, Biggie, Lil’ Kim, and the three members of The LOX (Jadakiss, Sheek Louch, and Styles P who would later drop Diddy like a bad habit before Jadakiss going solo and the remaining members changing their name to D-Block). On the rock side of things we have Tommy Stinson (from Soul Asylum, The Replacements, and currently Guns N’ Roses), Rob Zombie, Dave Grohl, and the entire three piece band Fuzzbubble. That is thirteen fucking people working directly on this song not including the producers and more than half are expendable; especially Fuzzbubble.

A quick word about Fuzzbubble because they seem to have become a lost footnote in Diddy experience. Shortly after Diddy’s meteoric rise to popularity as the CEO of Bad Boy Entertainment he wisely thought of diversifying and signed Fuzzbubble as his first rock band. The only problem is that Fuzzbubble was a pretty terrible band with a Soul Asylum meets Nirvana by way of Spacehog type sound that was (and indeed still is) no edgier that any of those bands listed and whose only real claim to fame was a track on the “Godzilla” soundtrack.

Diddy dropped the Fuzzbubble experiment in 2000 without ever releasing a proper album for them. Fuzzbubble exemplifies everything I hate about Diddy’s impulsive nature. Diddy took what must have been the first bar band he could find and signed them in an almost “Pygmalion” like wager. Fuzzbubble then pretty much was relegated to being Diddy’s live back up band for public appearances, but on this song they are an afterthought; really only there so Diddy can point to them and remind everyone that he listens to rock, too! See suburban America, Diddy is just like you!

Fuzzbubble might be awful, but on this song they really didn’t have to do anything other than half-assedly sing the hook since the bass-line is handled by the infinitely more capable Stinson and the guitars were overdubbed by Zombie. Fuzzbubble’s drummer fares slightly better, but at the end when it is time for Biggie’s verse Grohl takes over. If you invite a band that you signed that you know sucks to guest on your already bloated attempt to squeeze money out of teenage mall crawlers, at least have the conviction to use them instead of hiring a band of ringers to overdub everything.

Also, this version of the song is heavily edited for lyrical content, especially when Lil’ Kim and Biggie show up at the end, but it is not the fault of the video. The rock remix was never released in an uncensored version. So here is a list of what is bleeped in the song before we get to the video, in order of appearance and directly quoted, so you can better understand the lyrical content: Hot 9-7 (NYC’s premier hip-hop station), ooh, Hebrews, coke, cocha, weight, NARCs, pist-al, bizzalz, pussy, niggaz, German Luger for your ass bitch, deep throated, firearm, suck a dick, bullshit, shit, stash 380s in Mercedes, shit, liquor, asshole, half a brick of yay in the bra where her titties at, we push weight, fuck the state pen, fuck hos at Penn State, Mac, my left hand spit, lead will spray, squeeze off till I’m empty.

Now look at the list. Now look at the video and remember that it won a 1998 MTV Video Music Award for the viewer’s choice. Now tell me why this was never released as a single uncensored when the video is aimed at such a young market. The song is pretty hardcore except for Diddy’s verse, so why have a cutesy video to go with it? Because no one in the right mind over the age of 21 who was a fan of hip-hop would ever take him seriously. It’s just another thing to throw into the laundry list of reasons why this video doesn’t work.

0:01- I am already hoping this footage is cut together with shots of Diddy on a Ferris wheel saying “I had a pretty good day.”

0:04- You better listen to him C-Guttah. We all know how much Diddy hates being on camera; especially in his own video.

0:18- Fruit salad is gangsta as a motherfucka’. Who the fuck brings fruit salad on a tour bus? Are you going to break out the shrimp cocktail next? I spent a whole summer on a tour bus and we only had three things and they were all liquids.

0:26- How much you want to bet Diddy knew about the mirrors before he said anything? How much you want to bet he demanded they be there so he could watch himself jerk off at night?

0:39- Isn’t this how “Jeepers Creepers 2” started? When are they all going to take their shirts off and go outside for a shoulder to shoulder group piss?

0:41- Yes. You hit a deer. You are the smartest dude on the bus. Also, you are clearly on a bridge or at least an overpass right now. You totally hit a deer on the bridge in the middle of the city.

0:56- They all unsurprisingly act like they have never seen a high school before; like it is some haunted house they have to Scooby Doo the shit out of.

1:08- This year’s prom theme appears to be red. Must have been set up by Bono.

1:17- Oh dear. This must have seemed hilarious on paper; especially dressing up the guitarist from Fuzzbubble as one of the members of ZZ Top.

1:27- Subconsiously Diddy knows he is whack. Also, no one really looks like they are having all that terrible of a time in the first place.

1:53- The Fuzzy Tones is a way more apt name for Fuzzbubble. Also that singer on stage had better watch out when he goes in the bathroom. There are a bunch of deer fearing gangstas hopped up on fruit salad that will kick his ass on sight for massacring REM.

2:08- Instead of asking if he knows how to play the guitar (which thankfully and improbably someone in the first group of people he sees closest to the door knows how to do) they should be asking each other when the real song is going to start. Diddy has already shattered the record for longest intro to a mediocre song. “Victory” didn’t even take this long to get started.

2:13- I wanted the crowd to respond with “It’s all fucked up now!” I would have.

2:21- He neglects to mention Fuzzbubble. Presumably because just like in real life he just found them in a crowd.

2:25- Diddy (or the director) clearly like Asian women. Almost every close-up has been of an Asian woman.

2:28- Since Styles-P doesn’t get to rap on this track he apparently gets to mime the guitar with the rest of the band.

2:30- The class of ’98 should sue.

2:36- No crowd in the history of crowds has ever gotten that excited that quickly without tear gas and rubber bullets.

2:45- Who the fuck are these guys? They can’t be teachers. They look like the got lost on the way to the comic-con.

3:01- Diddy’s shadow looks like a wacky arm waving inflatable tube man pointing me towards the nearest GM Quicklube Plus.

3:08-3:23- Out of all of Diddy’s bad verses, this is the worst. I can’t fucking stand it. First he must have no fucking concept of what a “raw deal” is if he eats three course meals everyday. Also, it isn’t really a three course meal if two of the three courses are almost the exact same pasta dish. Just ordering two pasta dishes at the same time for the same person during the same meal is a stupid fucking idea. And someone please tell me what all those zeros did that was so wrong that they had to be buried in Brazil.

3:28- Please note that despite the mosh pit, the general level of happiness remains the same.

3:39- Again, is it the stones or his hands that has the cuts? Because if it is his hands I don’t think I will ever want to shake hands with him. Not that he would ever shake hands with me after this, but still.

3:47- What happened? Did Diddy get bored? Did he run out of non sequitors? Also, when did the prom theme change to green? Oh, right. When they started talking about the Benjamins.

3:57- I fear that I am too white to ever know what it means to “freak in a three quarter reptile.” To be honest, I don’t think I really want to know.

3:59- She looks so familiar and the camera keeps showing her. Hmmmmm. I wonder where they are going with this.

4:12- My stage motherfucker! My stage! Move it Puff. Get the fuck out of my way Jada. I’m motherfuckin’ (flips back in my notes to finish the joke) Sheek Louch!

4:16- If you have bought a colossal sized Picasso chances are you have been bamboozled my good sir. Although “Guernica” and “Les Demoiselles d’Avignon” are quite large, they are in no way colossal.

4:18- I wonder if Delgado’s minded that someone just admitted that they sell coke in front of the store.

4:26- Diddy looks like he is forcing this dude to headbang.

4:33- I knew girls who had a hard enough time slow dancing in a prom dress, let alone moshing and stage diving in them.

4:56- Other than giggling every time I hear “bizzalz” bleeped, I really have to start using the line “playa you mad false” more often. I resolve to start today.

4:58- When the fuck did they get the pyro set up? Are we to believe that the cover band had it already?

5:18- Hearing Diddy scream is always hilarious.

5:20- Oh shit! That was Lil’ Kim the whole time! You got me pretty good there.

5:23- I wonder what the market is for pull away prom dresses is. Other than the obvious sexual uses, they could also be great for basketball players who need to rush from a formal event to the court. Why wasn’t Denis Rodman alerted that such technology existed during his cross dressing phase?

5:24- Why is this guy so upset his prom date turned out to be Lil’ Kim? That’s like Tiger Woods with a two centimetre putt.

5:38- Because I totally want some asshole on his cell phone in my prom picture.

6:01- Fuzzbubble needs those instruments to finish... Oh, wait. Biggie’s dead and none of you were really playing to begin with.

6:03- Between tossing shard of guitars into the crowd and the pyro this is easily the most reckless prom ever.

6:05- OK, now throwing the drum kit is a bit much.

6:06- Lil’ Kim auditions to be the next lead singer of Taking Back Sunday.

6:17- Are they all running away because they realise they are being serenaded by the disembodied voice of a dead man from beyond the grave?

6:23- Was the heel kick on that locker necessary? Was me even noticing that necessary? The answer to both questions is “probably not.”

6:28- That trash can has been following them down the hall ever since Lil’ Kim’s date kicked it over. The one guy also tries to jump the tiny ass trash can that is already on its side and fails.

6:40- This girl clearly just threw a garbage can at a trophy case that doesn’t even have glass in it. Worse still, she doesn’t even knock any of the trophies over. Did she go back later and spike them individually on the ground like Puffy did with the drum kit?

6:57- No! You are going to smudge Diddy’s mirrors!

7:03- As usual, the dude from Fuzzbubble is not invited to the party. I assume the other members were trampled in the riot or picked up and spiked off the stage with the rest of the scenery.

7:13- I want just one person to question what they are going to do about the limo they hired that is probably waiting to pick them up.