Because You Want to Book Club #14: "Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History"

"Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History" was a book I had my eye on for quite some time, but always skipped over because I was already walking out of the library with large stacks of books and movies. A few weeks after I had noticed it, I finally picked it up. It hadn't moved from its spot atop the wall of the library's most recent social science acquisitions.

It wasn't until I got home that I realised it had been written by an author I am actually quite familiar with. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich had written a book called "A Midwife's Tale" that was required reading for my Advanced Placement Grade 12 U.S. History course. I even attended a lecture she gave at Clark University (despite being a professor at Harvard) shortly after "Tale" was turned into a PBS documentary. My American History teacher for three years of high school, the late and dearly missed Robert Cormier who is of no relation to the late and dearly missed novelist, lauded Ulrich's book as the single greatest written account of colonial history ever recorded. She might as well have been praised by Caesar since Cormier was one of the presidents of the American Antiquarian Society. I even remember that out of the 15 books that I read for the course that it was the least boring one of the bunch and I actually quite enjoyed it.

Ulrich is a historian and a feminist dedicated to the preservation of a woman's role in history. The title of the book stems from a phrase she coined and unwittingly made famous (to her own amusement, happiness, and, at times, chagrin) in an obscure journal article she wrote in the late 1970s (after she had already won the Pulitzer Prize for history in 1976) deriding the fact that the role of the "average" woman is never talked about in the history books no matter how worthy their accomplishments. The women that often appear in history books were "rebellious", had some sort of thirst for blood and power, or in some cases were just seen as shrill or mad.

"Well-Behaved Women" delineates feminist history through three main starting points: Christine de Pizan, often regarded at the earliest feminist writer, abolishionist Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Virginia Woolf, specifically while writing "A Room of One's Own". From these three subjects, Ulrich makes connections between numerous aspects of worldwide feminist history and the works that inspired them and the ones they ultimately inspired much in the same way Ulrich's quote found its way onto T-Shirts and coffee mugs around the world.

Ulrich, in the two books of hers that I have read, has an amazing talent for balancing the academic and the entertaining. While Ulrich has clearly done intensive research (the last hundred pages are footnotes and citations), the book is never obtuse or unapproachable and her connections throughout recorded history read like an epic of the highest quality.

This is a rare book that I could safely recommend to anyone and everyone. It is relatively short and easier to read than you might expect from a largely academic text, but it flows with the grace and force that sometimes the greatest novels have a hard time achieving. This is an important book and a must read for all social science students.

Grade: A+

Doors Open 2008 Wrap-Up-Slash-Preview-for-Next-Year Part 3: Tips and Tricks

Before I get into some essential survival tips for the enjoyment of Doors Open in Toronto, I would like to take this chance to thank the Ontario Heritage Trust for organising the event every year, and a special thanks to the Toronto Star, the City of Toronto, and the CBC for championing such a wonderful event. Finally, thanks to all 140 participating organisations who allowed everyone into their buildings this year. No matter what I thought of the presentations it is still wonderful to see so many places open themselves to the public in the name of fun and education.

It should also be known that Doors Open is not exclusive to the city of Toronto. Over 55 other cities, towns, and regions across Ontario as well as Niagara Falls and Buffalo, New York participate in such events from April to October with many more yet to come in the late summer and fall. For a full list of other regional sites visit www.doorsopenontario.on.ca .

Also, one final rant that I alluded to yesterday while reviewing my experience at the TD Centre. Being a writer, I am naturally fascinated by the history of the written word in all its forms. The past two years I have tried in vain to visit Toronto’s First Post Office. I have heard nothing but good things about the building and the tour. It is the only post office that is still operational built before 1850. This year you could write a letter with a quill pen, seal it with wax, and mail it from the same place. That is the sort of thing that I geek out over if I hear about it. Alas, once I was done with the tedium that was the Toronto-Dominion Centre, the post office was the first location to be cut since it was too far out of the way and would have led to us having to cut more things just to see the post office. I am still mad about it. Well, not mad, just mopey. If I go and it is open next year, it will be the first place I visit regardless of what else is open.

Doors Open Survival Tips

-Be sure to find out when the Toronto Star is publishing their special section dedicated to Doors Open. It will include a full list of participating buildings with addresses, operating hours, and a simple map to give you an idea where everything is located. It usually appears several days before the event and is a better place for a brief description of what is offered that the website.

-Make a list and prioritise what you want to see the most. You can usually see between 10-15 sites in a single afternoon if you plot accordingly. Don’t get too ambitious or you might end up disappointed.

-From the list you made, create your own route and mark it out so you don’t double back on yourself or end up running around illogically. Jenna and I have found that creating a spreadsheet works really well if you make columns for the place, hours (going onto the Doors Open website you can find a venue’s last admission time which is more accurate than the closing time found in The Star), location, and in the final column include directions on how to get to the next place from the last one you visited. Also, a single piece of paper is easier to carry the newspaper with you which can be odd, cumbersome, and just looks silly.

-While 90% of the buildings offered are in the downtown core or are easily accessible by subway or streetcars, the other 10% to the North, West, and East will be hard to get to without a car from downtown. If you want to see one of these places badly enough and are relying on transit, make it either the first or last thing you do and allow yourself plenty of time for buses. Conversely, if driving and you want to visit downtown (cars should have no problem with the more outlying areas of the city barring a traffic jam), park in one spot and leave it for the rest f the day unless you want to pay through the nose in parking fees, not to mention wasting tons of time looking for spots.

-A TTC Day Pass is a smart investment for anyone and everyone. On Saturday and Sunday a $9 day pass is good for either 2 adults, 2 adults and up to 4 kids under the age of 19, or 1 adult and up to 5 kids. It will save you a ton of energy on short trips and if you are relying on transit it is almost a necessity. When you consider that a single adult ride if $2.75, $9 for two people all day is a steal. Day passes can be purchased from any subway booth and are good until 5:30 A.M. the next morning if you want to keep enjoying the night long after the Doors Open festivities have ended.

-Familiarise yourself with what each place offers and requires before you go there. Some churches have dress requirements and other places are only accessible through guided tours. Some places don’t allow photography, tripods, or video shooting. All the information is on the website and most of it is in the Star section so don’t pitch a fit like some people do when they see a line, have to take their shoes off, or they can’t take a picture. These people are letting you into their lives at no cost to you; the least you can do is respect them

-If you are downtown and either get lost or need a place to rest, the lobbies of City Hall and the CBC building are kind of like default rest stops. They are wide open, indoors, air conditioned, and have plenty of seating. They are also the places to go if you want to get a complimentary copy of The Star.

-Dress accordingly, pack snacks, and keep hydrated as if you were going on a hike. For the past two years Doors Open has fallen on warm, sunny weekends, so wearing comfortable clothing and appropriate footwear is a good idea. Your body will also thank you for packing a bottle of water and some snacks to enjoy periodically. Packing a lunch is probably a better idea than eating out unless you work it into your schedule or you can hold out until the end of the day. Some places like Osgoode Hall, Masjid Toronto, or the Four Season’s Center for the Performing Arts offer refreshments either for free or for sale. If you burn easily, a hat or sunscreen is advisable.

-If a place is well known within the community, especially theatres and high rise buildings, go in expecting a crowd and having to wait for a tour.

-Because you will probably end up with tons of pamphlets, magazines, and other free stuff alongside your food and water, at least one backpack or strong tote bag is much better than a plastic bag.

-Travelling the underground PATH system that connects buildings downtown is good in short bursts while trying to avoid the noonday sun, but it is easy to get lost and turned around due to lack of proper signage in many parts. Any Torontonian pretty much knows this one already, but most of this list is geared towards tourists, anyway.

Well, there you have it. Another overall fun year in the books. I look forward to next year and seeing what the theme will be. I also plan on attending other regional Doors Open events this year. I hope to see some of you next year!

Doors Open 2008 Wrap-Up-Slash-Preview-for-Next-Year Part 2: Sunday

The second day of our Doors Open adventure got off to a slightly later start because the subway doesn’t open until 9 on Sunday mornings and consisted of only Jenna and I. We had what seemed like a lighter schedule than Saturday, but we ultimately had to make more cuts to our list than either of us really wanted to. More on that shortly.

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health Historic Walls (1001 Queen St. W.)- Much like walking tours of the Beaches and the downtown labyrinth, this isn’t exactly a building you can walk inside (even the tour meets outside the building at Queen and Ossington), but it is still rich with history. The wall surrounding CAMH on three sides is the oldest example of patient/inmate labour in Ontario. We joined the tour about ten minutes late because of the late start to the day that was beyond our control. We sought out the group (which wasn’t very far from the entrance) and it didn’t seem like we had missed very much. We couldn’t wait another 45 minutes for the next tour with our schedule since the tours only left every hour on the hour until four. The tour guide was extremely knowledgeable and included numerous personal histories of some of the former asylum’s most famous patients. The wall itself is quite a sight itself, but this tour put things into a proper and respectful context. For a more personal take on the wall’s poignancy please visit my other blog.

Grade: B+, My only suggestion would be not to shorten the tours, but to maybe have other guides on hand so the tours can leave with a greater frequency.

Design Exchange (Former Toronto Stock Exchange) (234 Bay St.)- We ducked in here on our way to the Toronto-Dominion Centre because it was what we passed by first that was on our list. We were greeted at the door by a woman who told us what they were offering as exhibits and told us briefly about the building itself. The tour was self guided with plenty of staff available to answer any and all questions. The main floor showcased some of the prized pieces in the DX collection and the winners of a design contest showcasing simple designs for letterhead and stationary. It all sounds terribly dull on paper, but it was really cool and made me appreciate even the most subtle aspects of design even more. The beautiful grand staircase led to the second floor which used to be the trading floor for the Toronto Stock Exchange. Unlike the blank space at Heliconian Hall the previous day, the restored trading floor was awesome. Though the room was not filled with much of anything at all, the murals on the four walls would have been enough. A woman was also on hand in this room to continuously give speeches on the history of the trading floor while a projector showed relevant clips from old National Film Board shorts on one of the walls. In the main exhibition space was an exhibition on Clairtone Stereos. These stereos were not only structurally beautiful, but were arguably the greatest phonographs and radios ever manufactured. Many of the models on display were refurbished and refurnished for film shoots such as “American Gangster” and “Invincible”. It was once again something cool that you never would expect could be made cool.

Grade: A, Fun, beautiful, historic, and completely unexpected.

TD Centre (66 Wellington St. W.)- Long line-ups are to be expected at some of the more popular Doors Open locations on display. Last year the worst line-ups we experienced were for Lower Bay Station (which had shorter hours last year and shorter lines this year) and the Gooderham Flatiron Building (which was well worth standing in the sun for). Guided tours can only hold so many people especially in as small an area as the lobby of the Flatiron building. Even buildings like the Canada Life building and the CBC Headquarters that required guided tours for security reasons had mast moving queues. I wasn’t surprised by the enormous line-ups at the Toronto-Dominion Centre. If you want to avoid ridiculously annoying tourists that would just as soon stomp on you to get a picture or chronically whining small children, you should avoid this one like the plague. The line alternated between moving briskly as tour groups were herded onto four waiting elevators to take visitors to the 54^th floor; the third highest viewpoint in the city behind the CN Tower and the top of the Bank of Montreal building next door. There is actually a 55^th floor to the building, but it is now private property despite it being open to the public when the building was first built. As we waited line snaked its way out of the massive lobby, out the doors, and almost to the street. When someone asked one of the security guards watching the line what the wait would be, the guard smiled and told the group that it would probably be about 45 minutes. A woman with a thick Eastern European accent (but could speak French and English) who was handing out pamphlets smarmily and bluntly said to them that it wasn’t going to get any better. Once on the elevator our ears popped uncomfortably from the sheer speed and force that we ascended with. When we reached the top we were stopped in the hallway to be told not to touch anything and to carry our backpacks in front of us so we wouldn’t damage any of the multimillion dollar artwork on display. We complied; many people either didn’t understand or just didn’t give a shit. The first stop on the tour was the in house restaurant, Canoe. The restaurant had the best view on the entire floor; a breathtaking view out onto Lake Ontario and the Toronto islands. The flaws of the tours, however, also became immediately apparent. The people who spoke in each room droned on and on endlessly despite being told in the hallway that we would have roughly five minutes in every room. Jenna turned to me at one point and said that it was the longest five minutes in any room that she had ever experienced. A lot of the guides in the restaurant and the two meeting rooms we saw repeated themselves and everything dragged on for so long that if I could have found any way to escape, I probably would have. I was almost bored to tears at some moments. The views are awesome, but the building itself is still nothing more than the corporate headquarters of a banking giant. The man who explained TD’s vast collection of artwork was genuinely nice and fun to listen to. He clearly loves what he does and I was mainly glad I didn’t have to have the same buildings pointed out to me another time. The heavily hyped boardroom was a bit of a let down, but at least there was finally an explanation as to why the building is historically and architecturally significant. Also, I don’t care how pissed they would be for me saying this, but the enormous table in the boardroom isn’t that great. The guides will tell you that it is cut from a single piece of wood that had to be hoisted up on a crane and have the building built around it which is complete bullshit because the table has very clearly been assembled within the room; same tree, maybe, but there is no chance in hell it was made from a single piece of wood. The entire tour was a very tight squeeze and at times we were forced to line up against a wall so the other throngs could pass by. From getting in line to the end of the tour we were there for almost an hour and half. The views are spectacular and picture worthy but the presentation (save for the art) has all the personality of “Waiting for Godot” performed by pissy know it all pantomimes. Its length caused us to cross four other buildings off our schedule, including one that I am still irrationally upset about that I will get into in tomorrow’s post.

Grade: C-, The views are the main attraction, but don’t come for the people. The only interesting ones were the security guards and the art guy. There isn’t even any real novelty value for finance nerds as far as I could tell. Also, their prized boardroom table has fucking gum and paper stuck underneath it and has the most inconvenient chairs known to man. See at your own risk and only if it is one of a handful of things you want to see.

Union Station (Harvey’s) (65 Front St. W.)- Confession: we didn’t realty take in a tour of Union Station. If you live in the city or surrounding area, you probably know how awesome the actual train station (not the GO station, bus platforms, or subway) looks. Honestly, we only stopped there because we were starving and it was Free Hamburger Day at Harvey’s. Each day we packed light snacks, fruit, and water that could be eaten while we were on the go, but Sunday Harvey’s was providing our lunch and thusly made Union Station a integral part of our travels. Sure it was busy, but the line for free burgers moved faster than anything at the TD Centre. It was also very well managed. This location was even giving out cake! Cake! We got free burgers and cake! After we finished our lunch in record time, I saw the guided tour only a few metres away from us. We could have joined the tour, but we really already got what we went there for.

Grade: Mmmmmmm... Free burger *drools*

Ontario Heritage Centre (10 Adelaide St. E.)- After making a few quick cuts to our schedule before leaving from Union Station, we began to make our way directly to the Metropolitan United Church (the one location Jenna wanted to see on what remained of the list) and the Elgin and Winter Garden Theatre Centre (since we missed out on it last year). Ontario Heritage Centre just happened to be on the way and on the list as something to see if we had extra time and in the end I am glad we stopped. The Ontario Heritage Centre is a charmingly decorated building dating back to 1909 that houses the main offices for the Ontario Heritage Trust (who also sponsored the events this weekend for the Elgin and the George Brown House). The building was a savings and loan until 1927 and then housed various banks until 1985. Large walk in safes and vaults line the hallways as if they were cleverly placed closets. The first floor’s Joan White Hall is so pleasantly unexpected if you were to judge the building based on its outside appearance. The gallery downstairs will make you feel like you have stepped back in time and ended up in a 1930s newsroom or police precinct. The tour was entirely self guided with people stationed in each room to answer questions, although the one man in the gallery actually looked like he was working. The Birkbeck Room on the second floor was empty since it is mainly rented out for functions and meetings, but is of note to film nerds because much like Lower Bay Station, many film crews have shot in this room. A man was stationed there with photos documenting how the movie “Cinderella Man” filmed numerous different sequences in that room over the span of three months; constantly repainting and changing set pieces to make it look like different rooms before setting everything back exactly the way it originally was.

Grade: A-, A slight diversion, but also well worth the trip especially if you are already in the downtown core to begin with.

Metropolitan United Church (56 Queen St. E.)- ... is the kind of church that you might pass by on a daily basis but never get around to popping your head into. We were greeted by the chiming of the oldest set of tuned bells in North America. The church is also of note for having the largest pipe organ in Canada. In continuing with the church’s deep musical roots, we even arrived just as a choral concert had begun. The church, originally known as the “Cathedral of Methodism”, had been housed on the same site since 1872, but the original burned down except for the tower and bells in 1872 and had to be rebuilt in 1928-9. The two level sanctuary has hardly a bad seat in the house and the windows and organ are worth a peek by themselves. The tour was self guided and with the exception of several older gentlemen at the door there weren’t many people available to answer questions, but since we arrived mid-concert you can’t hold that against them. We stayed for two songs before we ultimately had to be on our way. Also, there are often chess matches played on the front lawn if you are into that sort of thing.

Grade: A-, In an age full of big box churches it is always nice to be reminded that places like this still exist.

Elgin and Winter Garden Theatres (189 Younge St.)- Admittedly both last year and this year I grumbled silently about this one despite really wanting to see it. Tours are guided only and only take place daily at 10, 11:30, 1:30, and 3. When we arrived at ten to three, I was slightly nervous because of the large line to get in reaching down Younge Street. There was no need to worry; everyone will get in provided that the line doesn’t exceed 600 people and ours didn’t even come close. Once inside the theatre centre, I quickly realised that the Elgin and the Winter Garden are two separate theatres within the same building and I immediately felt silly for not having known that earlier. The tour is actually two separate presentations and not really a tour in the conventional sense (although the theatre does offer paid tours every Thursday at 5 P.M. that includes a look backstage and in the balconies that were closed off for Doors Open), but once we were seated in the absolutely elegant Elgin and listened to the presentation, it all made sense. Restoring this former vaudeville and prestigious movie house after its slide into becoming a grindhouse and ultimately a porno theatre (“What the Swedish Butler Saw” was the last film to play there until the Toronto International Film Festival) took a lot of work and a lot of love and passion to save the building from the wrecking ball. Their efforts paid off gloriously. It is the nicest theatre I have ever had the pleasure to sit in; that is until we travelled seven stories higher and entered the Winter Garden. The first thing you notice about the Winter Garden is the ceiling decorated entirely in mostly real beech branches with small hanging lights that feel like stars reaching through the canopies of trees. The columns that run through the building are transformed up here into tree trunks. A glowing full moon is built in just above the screen. A theatre this beautiful is a rarity and it is hard to believe that it was closed and shuttered years before the Elgin was closed downstairs. Both presentations were well articulated discourses followed by a question period that showcased just how daunting the task of restoration proved. The tour ended with a trip down only part of the grand staircase, a walk through the gift shop, and out a side entrance. While the presentations were more than worth the time in my own opinion, the whole affair hinted at a much better and in-depth tour that you can get only with the paid experience and this left many attendees perplexed and some were outright angered by what they felt was only half the experience. I couldn’t really hate on that because running a theatre of any kind is a hit or miss business and many of the questions that were asked of the presenters were often of the snarky variety (especially in the Winter Garden where each question was followed by a frustrated sigh when they felt it wasn’t answered to their specific wants) regarding things that clearly regarded the longer, paid tour. But as the man who ran the Elgin presentation pointed out, they are very good at getting you to open your wallets and purses.

Grade: B+, Not only do I want to go again for the paid tour, but I can’t wait to attend “Avenue Q” when it opens here in July since my agent gave me a pair of opening night tickets for my birthday. Also, the tour was shorter than I expected and we still had time for two more stops we didn’t think we would have been able to make.

St. Michael’s Cathedral (65 Bond St.)- I might not always agree with the Catholic Church, but architecturally there aren’t many things more beautifully designed than ornate gothic cathedral. St. Michael’s is the oldest church in the Toronto archdiocese and has been around since 1848, The Bavarian stained glass windows are almost as old as the church itself, but the whole building is so well kept that everything seems alarmingly fresh and new. The archdiocese clearly has put a lot of work and care into this church over the years. The mood in the church was quiet and solemn; even quieter than the Zen Centre the previous day. Numerous people were lighting candles, saying the Lord’s Prayer under their breath as they knelt, prayed to the statue of Mary, and prayed the rosary. It was the only church over the course of the weekend where I felt like I was intruding on something deeply private. The tour was self guided, but you were given a highly detailed map upon entry and people were stationed throughout the building to answer questions. It was just awkward trying to whisper around everything.

Grade: B-, I loved the building, but I simply felt out of place at the given moment when we visited, and coming from someone who should actually identify as a Catholic, that says a lot.

Mackenzie House (82 Bond St.)- The final stop on our Doors Open adventure was the former residence of Toronto’s first mayor, newspaper publisher and leader of the 1837 Upper Canada Rebellion William Lyon Mackenzie. The lower floors were typical of the mid-1800s with volunteers dressed in period garb to answer any questions you might have had along the self guided tour. The upstairs rooms were awkwardly blocked off at the top of the stairs making more than four or five people on the landing more than a crowd, but ultimately every room in the house seemed better kept than the comparable Campbell House Museum. They really had an almost identical vibe to them minus the massive crowd. Jenna noticed Mackenzie’s arrest warrant framed on the wall in an upstairs drawing room and copies are available in the gift shop for sixty cents. The main attraction in Mackenzie House would have to be the hand operated printing press that you could operate yourself. Setting the type is a lot harder than it looks, but naturally that is done for you and you only have one choice of what to print. The machine is actually surprisingly simple to use and the ease with which the press goes down hides exactly how powerful it really is. Any place that allows you to make your own souvenirs is pretty awesome in my book. The staff was also very friendly and helpful with answering questions.

Grade: B+. Nothing special, but the man himself is interesting enough to make me grade this one higher than any of the other historical houses I saw this weekend. The print shop is fun, and it was a great way to end the weekend.

Tomorrow: Final thoughts, tips, places we missed, and other places of note.

Appetite for Destruction #2: Mapledoodles

Growing up in New England one of my favourite cookies were called lumberjacks which were essentially a type of gingerbread with an obscene amount of molasses added to it. If you are a fan of molasses cookies or gingerbread, you will enjoy lumberjacks. Personally, I like the flavour the molasses gives to these cookies more than I enjoy straight gingerbread. When making some this past week, I put my own spin on the old lumberjack recipe and created something that is somewhere between the original and a snickerdoodle with a Vermont or Canadian twist, depending on how you look at it. These cookies are practically a meal themselves and healthier than almost any meal replacement bar or shake you can find on the market. They are relatively low in fat and sugar, too.

Ingredients

4 Cups Whole wheat flour (all purpose flour just as good)

2 Tsp. Cinnamon

1 Tsp. Baking soda

1 Tsp. Ground or freshly grated ginger

1 Tsp. Salt

1 Cup Vegetable Shortening, slightly softened (Do not use butter, lard, or oil. It will taste funny)

1 Cup Sugar

1 Cup Molasses (dark or light depending on how much flavour you like)

¼ Cup Milk

¼ Cup Maple Syrup (The real stuff tastes better, but pancake syrup works nicely.)

1 Tbsp. Pumpkin puree (canned) or 1 Tsp. Pumpkin Pie Spice

2 eggs

¼ Cup sugar set aside in a bowl to top cookies

Directions

-Preheat oven to 350 degrees
-In one bowl stir together flour, cinnamon, baking soda, ginger, and salt until well combined.
-In a separate bowl, beat shortening with an electric mixer on medium-high for 30 seconds to make it easier to work with. If doing it by hand, do it for about 2 minutes or so.
-Add sugar to the shortening and beat for thirty more seconds, scraping sides of the bowl occasionally.
-Add molasses, milk, syrup, pumpkin and eggs to shortening mixture and blend until well incorporated. Everything should look like muddy beach sand.
-Slowly begin to add the flour mixture to the shortening mixture about a cup at a time and blending with electric beater until the beater can’t take it anymore. At that point, switch to mixing by hand until all flour is incorporated into the mixture.
-Form cookies by hand into walnut sized balls (about 1 ½ inches) and roll the balls in the bowl with only sugar to top cookies. Place cookies on a greased or parchment paper lined baking sheet and bake for 12 minutes.
-Let cookies rest on baking sheet before transferring to wire rack for cooling.

Doors Open 2008 Wrap-up-slash-preview-for-next-year Part 1 of 3: Saturday

Doors Open is a two day event that this past weekend celebrated its ninth year in inviting Toronto residents into various historical and culturally significant buildings throughout the city. It is a true feast for the eyes and the mind and every year holds something new to behold. The underlying theme of this year’s programme was “Sacred Spaces,” which means in addition to numerous architectural and cultural landmarks that are showcased almost every year during this event, an emphasis was placed on places of worship and reflection. While the event was far from being a “holy rolling good time” it gave average Torontonians to expand their consciousness while taking in some of the greater buildings the city has to offer without feeling like they are intruding or interrupting any rites or ceremonies.

While my short list of places I wanted to visit was admittedly light on the more religious aspects of the Doors Open experience this year, it was still an amazing weekend that I urge anyone who is in the city or planning on visiting it the last weekend of May next year to check out because it is truly an experience without parallel. Having said that, I must admit that it can be a bit taxing and tiring at times. You need to come up with a workable schedule and routing since there is no way you could possibly see all 150 locations in a single weekend and you almost undoubtedly won’t even get to see everything you even want to see. The travel can be gruelling and if you decide to make a full day of it, you can expect to be exhausted. A lot of the more popular destinations often have massive line-ups that could take large chunks out of your day. Some places are only accessible through fairly long guided tours. Some places are only open strange hours or are only open one of the two days. Also, as much as it pains me to say it, not all of the buildings featured can be winners.

When I set out to document the experience, I wanted to create a sort of guide for future Doors Open attendees based on what I had experienced both this year and last. It quickly grew much longer than I expected it to, and even after deciding to divide it into three parts I am nowhere near done with the first and will have to finish it on the fly tonight just so I can make a sort of self imposed deadline, and also because I have other things to work on this week. Today I will focus on what I visited on Saturday and include some notes within these reviews that connect back to buildings I visited last year. Tomorrow will focus on Sunday’s stops and Friday will be other buildings I have either seen previously or missed out on visiting.

The grading system I use here is fairly unscientific. It is based around the overall experience at an individual site. This overall experience can include the building itself architecturally, the staff or volunteers, the overall crowd at a given site, the quality of the tour given (if applicable), the history behind the building, and the general level of interest raised by being there.

Royal Alexandra Theatre (260 King St. W.)- The Royal Alex was the first stop for the group I was travelling with composed of myself, my ex-girlfriend and fellow city nerd Jenna, and our friend Peggy who joined us for Saturday only. This became our first stop for two reasons. The first being that they were only opened from 9 in the morning (an hour earlier than any other Doors Open sites) until noon because of performances later in the day. The second being that the first two hundred people got a free poster. The Royal Alexandra is the oldest theatre in the city; currently in its 100^th year of operation. The tour was completely self-guided with ushers stationed at every entrance, room, and balcony. While the staff seemed relatively nonplussed with the exception of the man at the door explaining that the tour was self guided (mostly because I overheard some of them bemoaning the fact that they were at the theatre until one in the morning the previous night and were going to be doing the same for the next two nights while waking up early to facilitate the tours), it was refreshing and kind of a giddy feeling to be in such a large building and have pretty much a free run of the house. Once you look at it up close, the stage is a lot smaller than you think it would be. There wasn’t much background given, but there wasn’t too much needed if you like the theatre or stunning architecture.

Grade: B The building itself is quite a sight on its own even without any input or explanation.

Toronto Zen Centre (33 High Park Gardens)- The Toronto Zen Centre is nestled quietly into an almost suburban neighbourhood; the kind of place you wouldn’t notice unless you were looking for it because it looks just as nice as any other house on the street. The Buddhist meeting place is located in a beautiful and quiet house that smells sweetly of incense and I would love to live in if I had the means to purchase such a property. The décor is minimal and restrained, but that is to be expected. The man working the door was very nice and the staff was very quiet, polite, and respectful to their guests. There was free green tea in the coolest paper cups I had ever seen and cookies (donations optional, but appreciated). There wasn’t too much in the way of additional educational value except for a display of photos in the kitchen showing the genesis of the house itself. Pretty dry, but beautiful and produces the calming effect you would expect.

Grade: B Not a revelation, but sweet and pleasant.

Colborne Lodge (11 Colborne Lodge Drive)- We made our way to the former home of Toronto’s first city engineer on foot from the Zen Centre. The walk through High Park seemed like it was going to be endless because Google Maps lied about the exact location of the lodge, but the walk itself was beautiful and it was fun to people watch; there were tourists coming to get their pictures taken with the cherry blossoms in full bloom while their children chased the geese around the massive expanses of grass and numerous joggers and dog walkers enjoying a lovely Saturday morning. As we neared the lodge itself, however, the park seemed almost in a state of disrepair; located next to an ugly, dirty and overgrown picnic area that looked like it hadn’t been tended too since halfway through last summer with a garbage can overflowing already without the weekend even being half over. We arrived at the Colborne Lodge too early to get in, but that was our own fault. They opened at noon and we had arrived at five to eleven. We walked around the exterior of the house and I must say that with the exception of a pretty sweet looking wooden snake statue that looked really out of place, the Colborne Lodge is one ugly ass building on the outside complete with rusty grates over the windows and a paint job that went to seed years ago. It looks like no one in the city of Toronto (the de facto owners of the house since it is in the park) has even bothered to try and attempt any upkeep on the exterior or even the area surrounding it. The park itself is awesome, and I would go back in a heartbeat, but I am not quite sure I want to make a special trip just to see the lodge again.

Grade: N/A, but if you do go, be sure to take the Queen Streetcar to the Queensway entrance to High Park if you take the TTC or if you drive enter directly from the Queensway, because Google is very wrong about where the lodge is and parking and/or walking from any other entrance means you have quite the hike ahead of you.

Campbell House Museum (160 Queen St. W.)- This was the place where last year Jenna and I figured out that a location’s closing time and their last admittance time is not the same thing. We had just left the adjacent Canada Life Building (a yearly staple that is fun and well worth checking out) only to find the volunteers shutting the gates just as we had arrived half an hour before the schedule we had made said they closed. We resolved to make up for it this year, but it should be noted that for the rest of the year the museum is open but charges admission. The house, built for Judge William Campbell, is the last remaining brick structure from the Town of York. The house itself is inviting enough, but it suffers from a common problem most historical houses face during Doors Open. Large crowds mean large portions of the museum need to be roped off to prevent damages and thefts; roping portions off means there is little room to manoeuvre about. On the upper floors the knowledgeable staff seemed quite busy, but they were hard to follow and pay attention to over the massive throngs that crowded the rooms and halls. The presentation in the basement kitchen, however, was easier to pay attention to, less crowded and a lot of fun even if the man who was cooking in the fireplace burnt the bread (he also had Johnnycakes and gingerbread that weren’t burnt and were delicious). In a neat little gesture they sold glasses of lemonade and used books on the front lawn.

Grade: B- In truth, it might have been a better idea to have paid the $4.50 and gone when it was a lot less crowded.

Osgoode Hall (130 Queen St. W.)- I had walked by Osgoode Hall plenty of times before I had any clue what it was. In addition to being one of the oldest buildings in Toronto (technically completed in 1832, but not entirely structurally sound until the late 1840s) it is still houses the Ontario Court of Appeals, parts of the Superior Court, and the Law Society of Upper Canada who provided the volunteers for Doors Open. The interior of the building almost takes your breath away with its majesty. From floor to ceiling it was the most awe inspiring building we saw on Saturday. The tour was self-guided and well plotted out with signs clearly posted and literature handed out at the door that effectively explained what you would be looking at in any given room. In addition, each stop on the tour had friendly volunteers who smiled, talked, and acknowledged each guest’s presence even if they didn’t have a question and no matter how busy it was. Three of the courtrooms were open and you could even stand behind the bench, put on a robe, and get a picture taken while you play judge. The library is the largest privately owned law library in Canada with over 125,000 printed volumes on display alone; a must see for any bibliophile on par with the University of Toronto Rare Book Library (also open for Doors Open and worth checking out). The tour ends in the Convocation Hall with food on sale from the restaurant, which is open to the public. I was amused that they were serving Muffaletta, a massive New Orleans style sandwich that has intrigued me ever since I saw Bobby Flay fail spectacularly at making one on “Throwdown.”

Grade: A+ Definitely one of the crown jewels of Doors Open. See also the Ontario Legislative Building at Queen’s Park which is comparable architecturally and open for Doors Open with very frequent half hour long guided tours.

Masjid Toronto (168 Dundas St. W.)- I had never visited a mosque before, and with this year’s theme of Sacred Spaces it felt like as good a time as any to take advantage of some being open to a more general public. However, when it comes to experiencing a religion for a first time (my knowledge of Islam was and still is limited to only the basics) I want the least majestic place possible. I want to experience a place of necessity and not a place of overly ornate decoration (although I did want to visit the BAPS Shri Swaninarayam Mandir Hindu temple, but it was simply too far out of the way and seeing it meant cutting at least four or five other buildings from our already packed schedule); a place where people go to pray because they have to at a given moment. I couldn’t think of a better place than Masjid Toronto: a mosque located behind the bus station in a building that used to be a bank. We were greeted warmly at the door, were offered a bag for our shoes, offered some strong and delicious Turkish coffee and some dates, and were immediately granted a guided tour. Everyone was so happy and inviting. Our guide, a young man whose name I wish I could remember now, game me the best lessons on Islam I have ever received on everything from how to pray to how to take care of holy books to the major tenets of Islam. He was also remarkably candid and charming about the shortcomings of the building and how this mosque differs from others in the area. Architecturally, it is still very clear the building was once a bank. The space on the wall that used to house the ATMs greets you blankly upon entry and the tiles are still green marble. The high security vault on the main floor has been turned into a charming looking library and reading room. Other vaults have become storage rooms and the boardroom and offices hold the same functions they did when the building was a bank, but one of the offices has been turned into a daycare centre. Our tour ended in a room with more free reading material than any other stop in our travels, numerous people on hand to answer any further questions, audio-visual presentations, and a plethora or free and tasty food. We were even given carnations on our way out, I doubt any of us felt any more welcome that entire weekend.

Grade: A+ If they open again next year, and here’s hoping they will, this will definitely be a sleeper hit of your travels.

George Brown House (186 Beverly St.)- The George Brown House is one of the three Ontario Heritage Trust buildings we visited over the weekend. We actually viewed all three that were offered (the others being the Ontario Heritage Centre and the Elgin and Winter Garden Theatre Centre), and this was easily the least of the three. Even now I remember very little of it. I am looking at the pamphlet I was given and I still don’t remember anything more than the library and the exhibit inside the adjoining vault documenting Brown’s work as a father of confederation, the founder of “The Globe”, and his work as a politician. There was nothing to set it apart from any other historical building as far as I could tell. I don’t even remember any staff other than a dour looking man at the door. Only the first two floors of four were open and I guess I saw both of them. For a house owned by such an interesting person it was pretty dull and lifeless being in his house. I am writing this early Wednesday morning and it dawned on me only hours ago that no matter how good or bad everything else was that we visited, none of us once brought up the George Brown House a second time in any way. It was also one of the locations I looked forward to the most, I can’t even really mark this one fairly because it was honestly that unmemorable, but from what I can recall I give it...

Grade: C- The vault presentation was memorable enough for a conditional pass. It also wasn’t overly crowded when I was there, but still kind of hard to move around the roped in areas.

U of T Multi-Faith Centre, Koffler Institute (569 Spadina Ave.)- There was a much longer list of buildings at the University of Toronto to choose from to see during Doors Open, but some are open year round and others had such rigid tour requirements that just reading the blurbs about them online and in print didn’t seem every inviting and in some cases even off-putting. Others just had strange hours of operation. In keeping with this year’s theme, this easily accessible building seemed a good choice. Located in what used to be a pharmaceutical building, the relatively new Multi-Faith Centre is able to accommodate over 60 different faiths for different needs and events. Upon entry, the building appears to be another interchangeable campus complex, but once on the second floor the building is actually quite clever; devoid of carpeting, but offering pillows and mats to those who need them, and walls and floors made from recycled and locally sourced materials. The meditation room (the only one in the building that can not be booked for events) and its living plant wall is a beautiful and calming sight. The main meeting area for events has a wall with hideaway closets made entirely of floor to ceiling Iranian onyx that gives the room a natural white glow. Tours can be self guided, but opting for a guided one is the way to go as the staff was friendly and the tour won’t take much out of your day if you are on a tight schedule.

Grade: A- It is really amazing how well put together and well thought out the Multi-Faith Centre is.

Coach House Press (rear of 401 Huron St.)- We almost couldn’t find this literary press because none of us realised it was literally a garage (or a coach house as it were) located in the rear of 401 Huron Street. Such literary greats as Guy Maddin, Margaret Atwood, William Burroughs, and Michael Ondaatje have hung out at this charmingly old school publishing house. While some aspects of their operation have advanced into the digital age, the real appeal of the Coach House Press is the pair of Heidelberg presses that lie at the heart of their publishing operations. The books produced here are clearly hand crafted labours of love and the staff seems to enjoy their work immensely and make no bones about showing off the open beer cans they were clearly consuming while on the job at some point. In short, it’s my kind of place. It is definitely not a place for the claustrophobic, however. If the building is packed you might want to leave and come back again later since space is already cramped in there without a single tourist in sight. But come back, you definitely should.

Grade: A- Another bibliophile’s dream, and be sure to pick up one of the pamphlets to clue you in to some of the things you might have missed on the tour. Also, bow your head in remembrance at the squirrel graveyard located in the front of the building.

City Archives (255 Spadina Rd.)- Last year when we tried to visit the City of Toronto Archives, it flat out wasn’t open. Everything we had read told us it would be open on Sunday, but it wasn’t. This year the situation was clearly spelled out and it stated that the archives would only be open on Saturday. Admittedly, we kind of rushed through things here, but there really is a lot to offer. A display was set up with some of the favourite documents of the archivists, including their oldest document (the first ever topographical map of Toronto), some amusing public transit advertisements from the 50s and 60s, and countless photos. A theatre within the building was playing numerous National Film Board shorts, but when we saw we missed “The Cat Came Back” and “The Log Driver’s Waltz” we decided to pass. Once you see the Archives themselves you can look from two different perspectives that make the enormity of it all seem different. From the second floor, the floor to ceiling display of banker boxes looks grand and massive. From the first floor, looking upward, it seems damn near overwhelming. No, you can not run around in the actual archives. Darn. The staff was also friendly and attentive to the guests.

Grade: B-, It was pleasing and about what I had expected but nothing more. It probably would have been better had one of us not been dead tired and ready to start burning every staircase she saw and if we hadn’t hurried to make it to other attractions that would have been closing within the next few hours.

Friends House (Quaker Meeting House) (60 Lowther Ave.)- Between this and the Masjid Toronto, I don’t think I have had a richer educational experience sneak up on me in quite a long time. Both the building and the people at Friends House tell one heck of a story. The house itself was originally one of two estates owned by businessman Miller Lash in the early 1900s (the other, the Miller Lash House, is located at the University of Toronto Scarborough campus and really should be included in Doors Open in the near future) before finally being sold to various persons after his death and finally ending in the hands of the Quakers in 1949. The house hasn’t changed all that much and all but one of the walls are original. The staff was friendly and attentive; almost all of the people stationed throughout the house asked us where else we had visited during the day. One even took us to a part unopened to the public to illustrate why the one unoriginal wall was both a blessing and a curse. Friends House also houses the largest library of Quaker literature in Canada and is open to the public year round. I also never really noticed how socially conscious the people of Friends House were. All around a great time.

Grade: A, It is really a shame that Doors Open caps their list of venues at 150. This is definitely one place worth checking out on your own time if it isn’t included officially next year.

Heliconian Hall (35 Hazelton Ave.)- After having visited the Arts and Letters Club last year during Doors Open, I was excited to see its all female counterpart, Heliconian Hall, opened to the public this year. It was one of my top choices for this year; probably in the top three. I was even more excited by the fact that a couple of the people at the Friends House had said it was an interesting place. When we arrived, after walking through an almost obnoxiously rich neighbourhood, my hopes of another interesting arts haven were pretty much shattered within five seconds. I didn’t let on to anyone how I felt about it, but I was immensely disappointed and if it weren’t for our last stop on our Saturday trip it would have stood as the least exciting thing I had seen all day. It might have been because we got there late in the afternoon and their big performance was at about one or so, but there were too admittedly pleasant women manning a desk near the entrance... and a blank fucking hall. The building itself if a fairly nice structure inside and out; it is Gothic but not oppressively so with a stained glass window at the front holding it together nicely. The art work on the walls that could be purchased was consistently good, but no matter how good it was it was still just a blank empty grey space. Maybe I just didn’t get it or maybe they were trying to pack it in early since the staff seemed more concerned with putting away stands and chairs than tending to any guests. Nothing was clearly marked and I wandered into an area that was apparently off limits but the doors to it were wide open. The woman who told us the area was not open to the public was the only interaction with any staff there at all. Everything you could hope to gain from the building was available in pamphlet form at the front table and suggested activities far more exciting that what was on display. It was also a shame that the back room I was shooed out of wasn’t open because from what I saw it teased at something with infinitely more promise than the blank freaking hall. Maybe I was bitter after one of my other first choices, the George Brown House, wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, but I had honestly been in empty VFW halls with more personality than this.

Grade: D, and I still feel that is being kind of generous since the more I think about how crappy the presentation was that more upset I become since it had the potential to be really great and it probably is really great... if you are a member. The only good things here were the artwork that I would never in a million years be able to afford, the women at the table seemed genuinely happy, and I saw a Ferrari parked on the side of the road a block away with a parking ticket.

Lower Bay Subway Station (Below Bay Station on the Bloor-Danforth subway line)- Admittedly, Jenna and I had been down here before last year, but since it was open and Peggy had not yet seen it, we decided to take another trip to what has become a ghost station unused by the Toronto Transit Commission except during times of renovation, but is often used by film crews to duplicate the New York subway when filming in and around Toronto. The visit this year was a lot shorter than last year where the line snaked throughout numerous buildings even though they were letting 200 people down at a time. This year, there was no wait late in the afternoon. I almost didn't even realise we were going down there until we were there. Lower Bay is what it is, a subway station, but for transit nerds and film geeks it is so much more than that. TTC conductors were actually on hand this year to answer people's questions unlike last year. Once again they had a plasma screen television at the far end of the platform showing clips of movies filmed there. The only distressing part of Lower Bay is that it must be cursed since every movie that has been filmed down there has been mediocre at best (the best thing that has been filmed down there was the Bruce Willis-Mos Def action thriller "16 Blocks." Other notables include "Loser", "Don't Say a Word", and *shudders* "Mimic").
Grade: B+, I am a film nerd at heart and this year was actually a large improvement over the clusterfuck that happened last year. It would seem that the TTC has learned from its mistakes.

LCBO North Toronto Station (10 Scrivener Square)- Our final stop for the day was a former train station that had been converted by the government of Ontario into a liquor store. On paper the idea seems interesting and it is a nice building. It is the nicest liquor store I have ever seen, but that is all it is now. It is a freaking liquor store. Maybe the guided tours that we heard were going to happen at some unspecified tome would have filled us in on some of the history. Guided tours my ass. When we got there they didn’t even have any signage up to explain anything other than the fact that they classified every different room of booze a different track. Neat idea, but this doesn’t belong on the Doors Open listing if you aren’t going to do anything serious about it. The staff didn’t give a shit because it was hopping with people just wanting to get their beer and wine and get the hell out of there, although there were a few tourists who seemed just as lost and confused as we did. There was a wine tasting where I stole a piece of sausage. I contemplated trying some Japanese whiskey but I didn’t have my I.D. and I can’t drink anyway. Listing the LCBO as a landmark for Doors Open is pointless. It used to be something great, but without even so much as a pamphlet to tell you its historical significance, it is just a really snazzy liquor store. It’s like dressing up a turd in sterling silver and calling it the world’s classiest cigar.

Grade: F, You can go there any day of the week and if you really want to go out of your way before getting loaded, I can’t think of a better place to stop before oblivion.

Tomorrow: The CAMH Walls, Design Exchange, Toronto-Dominion Centre, Ontario Heritage Centre, Metropolitan United Church, Elgin and Winter Garden Theatres, St. Michael’s Cathedral, and Mackenzie House.

Movie Time Capsule Blog #12: "Vacancy"

Poor Luke Wilson. The guy can’t seem to catch a break these days. Most of his movies recently, including his directorial debut “The Wendell Baker Story”, have gotten only cursory theatrical releases before being relegated to the shelves of video stores where they will soon be forgotten. His most high profile film, outside of cameos, in the past five years, “My Super Ex-Girlfriend”, was an embarrassing failure. Some people have even gone as far as to say he’s cursed. He already has to live in the shadow of his more successful brother, Owen. Wilson’s biggest starring role was in “Old School”, which is remembered more for Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell than for his contributions as the centre of the entire film. I wonder if he cries himself to sleep next to the phone while waiting for Wes Anderson to call or to hear that Martin Lawrence has finally agreed to make “Blue Streak 2.”

Poor Kate Beckinsale. She is a fine actress often stuck in the most ridiculous movies. She used to be a serious British actress, but is now often relegated to starring in ludicrous horror-action hybrids (the god awful and inexplicably successful “Underworld” franchise and the more recent “Doomsday”) or the stock romantic interest (the highly overrated “Serendipity”). She is now remembered as either wearing skin tight leather or as the girl next door. Some people fantasise about a combination of the two. I wonder if she looks up at the stars every night hoping never having to go back to Prague to shoot any more movies entirely set at night again that her husband just might be directing (She is married to “Underworld” director Len Wiesman).

Through some inexplicable twist of fate (and because Josh Duhmel and Sarah Jessica Parker dropped out at the last second) Wilson and Beckinsale find themselves cast out of type in the suspense thriller “Vacancy.” I have decided to include “Vacancy,” which was a modest hit upon its release one year ago, in the time capsule blog not only because of its strange choice of leads, but because this seems like a movie that is even now starting to be forgotten about. No one will be dissecting or discussing the merits of “Vacancy” in ten years and probably obscure film cultists like myself will be the only ones looking back on it at all. I still don’t know a single person other than myself that has even seen “Vacancy” and I don’t expect that number to rise much in the future. It seems destined to become a footnote in the history of the new millennium horror revival.

“Vacancy” is only 85 minutes long and nothing happens in the first half hour. Nothing at all. We are treated to watching Beckinsale and Wilson bickering in a car. They are a couple on the cusp of a divorce who haven’t been the same since the death of their son. I kind of enjoyed watching the two of them go back and forth and I liked that “Vacancy” makes it clear from its Hitchcockian opening credits that it is a suspense thriller and not a horror movie. Both characters on the surface appear to be stock in nature, but they are hard roles to play effectively: Beckinsale is the over medicated grieving mother and Wilson is the frustrated husband that can never admit when he has ever been wrong. “Vacancy” is not awarded any points for originality, but in an era where people in scary movies often serve no greater purpose than dying, it is already ahead of the game.

Wilson has managed to get the two of them lost (*yawn*) on a deserted road in the middle of the forest (*stretches*). They meet a gas station attendant in the middle of the night who points them towards the interstate (*zzzzzzzzz*). Naturally, they break down in the middle of nowhere and have to walk back to the gas station. The gas station is closed, but the creepy motel next door is still open. With this turn of events, “Vacancy” has gone from novel to cliché in the span of a little under eight minutes, but at least they didn’t waste much time doing it. Even Wilson and Beckinsale’s seemingly educated characters check their brains at the door when they enter the motel office and hear several minutes of sustained screaming coming from behind the desk.

When they retire to the room provided for them by the hotel manager (who looks like a cross between Kip from “Napoleon Dynamite” and the Andrews from “Hot Fuzz”) they are immediately harassed by hang-up calls and pounding on the windows and doors that seem to be coming from some unknown and unseen source. When Wilson decides to watch one of the videos left in the room, he is shocked to discover that all the videos are snuff films depicting people being brutally murdered in the same room.

Seeing that “Vacancy” is still a very recent movie and that some people probably still want to see it I am going to resist the urge to spoil anything, but if you have seen any movie like this in the past you can tell for the most part exactly what is going to happen. The plot of the movie is so indistinguishable it practically blends into the background. Besides, the previous paragraph covers a point that happens almost exactly halfway into the movie. All that would really be left to spoil would be the ending.

Wilson and Beckinsale alternate between being really clever and really stupid at a jarring rate. Wilson’s character can devise elaborate plans, but can’t see the most obvious things that are staring him in the face. Beckinsale is strong and ready to kick someone’s ass one minute and then seems totally unaware of the gravity of the situation seconds later.

The movie also seems to create its own sense of logic that I simply can’t understand. The smart/stupid switch that Wilson and Beckinsale seem to have become equipped with applies to the villains as well. There are leaps in logic that Evel Knievel wouldn’t jump with a jumbo fucking jet. The climactic showdown is satisfying, but abrupt and pretty incoherent, and the final scene is groan inducing because the movie has decided to throw all of the logic it spent the better part of 80 minutes creating back out the window. The final scene in no way follows any of the directions the movie had previously set forth.

But despite all that is wrong with “Vacancy,” I was almost tempted to give it a pass. Suspense thrillers these days like to use gore and visual torture to elicit a reaction from the audience, and other times they go so soft that they aren’t even as scary as an episode of “The Smurfs.” “Vacancy”, however, is relatively gore free and is just intense enough to keep you in suspense despite knowing damn well what is going to happen. The snuff films that drive the plot are barely shown and the violence that you do see is far more realistic than having buckets of viscera thrown in your face.

Director Nimrod Antal keeps things moving at such a fast pace that you don’t have time to get too upset over the fact that much of it doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. By the time you notice something wrong, he is already filling the hole in with something completely different; he stays sharper than his story does. Once the couple arrives at the motel everything genuinely feels like it is unfolding in real time.

While on the topic of technical merits, “Vacancy” has an amazing sound mix, which is something I rarely give a shit about unless I notice how good it is. If you were to watch this movie with a premium sound system you just might piss yourself with fear. The sound design and effects are more intricate than the plot; better thought out, too.

Wilson tries to bring a lot to his role and he almost seems glad not to be playing another bland love interest. He is almost the perfect choice for this role. He delivers the proper amount of intensity that you would expect from a normal person placed into such an extraordinarily dangerous situation. Beckinsale looks stoned through half the movie, but that is because early in the movie it is alluded to that she is heavily medicated. It is a harder character to play than many of the film’s detractors realise. While some could complain that the role is a weak and thankless female character, anyone paying attention to the film’s opening scenes would know better. Beckinsale is portraying a woman with crippling PTSD and being stuck with someone telling her to constantly snap out of it doesn’t help matters. The natural instinct for such a burdened psyche is to fight one minute and cry the next and Beckinsale portrays this to great effect especially in a scene late in the movie when we finally find out what happened to her son. It is the only twist this otherwise conventional movie offers.

Since “Vacancy” didn’t really cause Hollywood to some knocking on their doors, Wilson and Beckinsale should take comfort in the fact that they at least did something different. It might not have been slightly original or logical, but at least everyone other than the writers seemed to be trying their hardest. Sadly the writing was no better than a Film School 101 script that never got proofread.

Verdict: Middle of the Road

Stilted: The Good, The OK, and The Ugly of Ben Stiller

In my final (?) Diddiology entry, I realise that I was pretty hard on Ben Stiller. Part of me regrets it, but I still don’t feel I was entirely wrong. Stiller just angers me sometimes and I need to take a step back and remind myself that not everything he has done has been all that terrible. I did plan on doing a series where I looked at all his terrible movies because at their worst, he is bad for the same reason every time: because he does the same routine movie after movie.

When I looked back on Stiller’s career I realized something interesting. Until 2000, Stiller hadn’t made a bad movie (that I had seen). After the turn of the century, he has only made three really good movies and one of them was animated and in the other two he was playing characters that could never exist in the real world. What could have happened in Ben Stiller’s life to cause him to stop trying?

In the spirit of fairness and because an entire series focusing on movies that have Stiller playing the same basic character would be redundant, this has become the first in a series where I look at the careers of various writers, directors, actors, and musicians. Well, technically Diddy was the first, but he was a special case.

The Good

“Fresh Horses” (1988)- Everyone’s career has to start somewhere even if it means playing Andrew McCarthy’s best friend. After numerous bit parts, “Horses” became Stiller’s first substantial role. In a re-teaming of McCarthy and “Pretty in Pink” co-star Molly Ringwald, this markedly dramatic film involves a privileged young man (McCarthy) who leaves his fiancée when he falls in love with a much younger woman (Ringwald, who says she is 20, but is really only 16) in Kentucky. McCarthy hopes to persuade her to leave her abusive “husband”, played by Viggo Mortensen in one of his earliest roles. Stiller (who is not in the clip provided) plays McCarthy’s best friend who delivers the scathing line that provides the film with its title” “Drop the old nag and get a new one.” Everyone in this movie is an asshole, but they are also people that still have some moral centre left within them. The movie and its ending are wholly depressing, but refreshingly unexpected. Despite Ringwald’s off-tempo and slightly campy performance, it is still worth checking out.

“Heavyweights” (1995)- As any kid that has been to camp can tell you, it isn’t always fun, especially if you are sent to a “specialised” camp because you are unruly, challenged, or in this case, overweight. Stiller would go on to play an almost identical character in “Dodgeball”, but instead of a rehash it feels more like an homage to this even funnier character from an underappreciated comedy. Watching this compilation reminded me of how funny this movie is.

“Flirting With Disaster” (1996)

“The Cable Guy” (1996)- It might not be a masterpiece, but Stiller effectively directs this black comedy where a lonely, unloved, and completely deranged cable guy stalks a visibly uncomfortable Matthew Broderick. The seeds of “the frat pack” were sewed here with a script from Judd Apatow, small roles featuring Owen Wilson and Jack Black, and a cameo from Stiller that was hilarious in its time, but is now only chuckle worthy since the movie was so topical that large parts of it feel dated today

“Permanent Midnight” (1998)- In a rare serious role, Stiller plays real life television writer and “Alf” creator Jerry Stahl, a man whose life crashes down around him while he is on top of the world thanks to a nasty drug problem. Stiller, in his best performance in any movie, effectively embodies what an addict really is: a barely functioning liar constantly hanging on by a thread.

“Zoolander” (2001)- “Zoolander” may very well be one of the funniest films of the decade. Much like “Anchorman” it is completely bizarre and creates its own world that could never exist within our own yet seems uniquely human. It also stands up well to repeat viewings and is endlessly quotable. Male models have never looked so cool, stupid, or utterly hilarious.

“Dodgeball” (2004)- For a reflection on Stiller’s performance here, refer back to “Heavyweights.” This time, however, Stiller is surrounded by a tremendous supporting cast that is just as game as he is and they also have a slightly better script and more than just one interesting character.

“Madagascar” (2005)- Stiller doesn’t exactly have to stretch any acting muscles to provide the voice for Alex the lion, but despite a sequel on the way, a lot of people seem to review this movie in a fairly negative light. I enjoyed myself and laughed heartily. What more could you ask of a silly animated comedy?

The OK

“The Ben Stiller Show” (1990-sometime a year or so later; it’s hard to tell exactly)- Despite being something of a cult curiosity for sketch comedy fans, “The Ben Stiller Show” remains loved by many people who actually hate his movies. This sketch comedy show, in my opinion, was incredibly hit or miss. For every sketch that succeeded, there was another one that fell silently on its face.

“Reality Bites” (1994)- This was the film that arguably shot Stiller to stardom. Written and directed by Stiller, this romantic drama with genuine, unforced flashes of humour simply tries too hard to be poignant. It delivers what is ostensibly one person’s musings on the nature of happiness and does it in such a ham fisted way that it is hard to warm up to. It is also not being treated well by time and seems to be aging by the second. Having said that, the performances are good (especially Ethan Hawke and Stiller; Winona Ryder could have played this role while swimming the English Channel and playing the “Star Spangled Banner” with a didgeridoo) , the soundtrack is a minor classic of 90s nostalgia, and the writing is often sharp enough to showcase Stiller’s strengths and mask some of his faults as a director.

“Zero Effect” (1998)- I remember seeing this movie on video. Stiller played an assistant to a neurotic detective played by Bill Pullman. It has the same director as “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.” That is all I remember about this movie other than knowing I liked it when I first saw it. I haven’t thought about it in years, meaning it must have lived up to its title. I can’t even find it online in any form. This movie seems to have disappeared.

“There’s Something About Mary” (1998)- I wanted so very badly to put this film in the upcoming ugly category. If there was a single movie that seemingly marked the beginning of the downward spiral in Stiller’s career it would be this one. The movie was a smash hit upon its release and spawned countless imitators, but when I first saw it in theatres (technically three times because the first two times I tried to see it the fire alarm went off in the theatre and both times the remainder of the movie was cancelled) I laughed, but I didn’t see what the big deal was. It seemed like just another romantic comedy that just happened to involve stalkers, some lowbrow humour, and a pitiful attempt to give the film a sort of Greek chorus. After getting the movie as a Christmas present two years ago (in a two-pack with “Dodgeball”) my opinion of the movie hadn’t changed much, but my feelings towards Stiller had. Stiller’s neurotic nerd-with-a-heart-of-gold-yet-prone-to-fits-of-rage shtick had grown tiresome for me when I revisited “Mary,” and this was really the first film where he played this kind of character that he keeps going back to. The funniest moments aren’t even his, despite the fact that he is the star. The most embarrassing moments are his. I guess Stiller found out that suffering=funny and decided to exploit it for as long as it works. Also, Cameron Diaz couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag that had been pre-ripped and had the bottom cut out of it. I know this column isn’t about her, but it needed to be said.

“Keeping the Faith” (2000)- You would think Edward Norton would have found better scripts to direct than this romantic comedy about a priest (Norton) and a rabbi (Stiller) vying for the affections of the same woman (Jenna Elfman). It’s not even bad, it’s just forgettable. The kind of movie they play during the rain delay of a baseball game.

“Meet the Parents” (2000)- If “There’s Something About Mary” set a formula Stiller could follow, “Meet the Parents” solidified it. Much like “Mary”, “Parents” isn’t as riotously funny as it claims to be. The movie is still a notch above “Mary” because the laughs it does provide are harder and don’t always come at the expense of Stiller needing to be publicly embarrassed, at least until the end of the film. The casting of Robert DeNiro as his prospective father-in-law is still one of the most inspired bits of casting this decade.

“Starsky and Hutch” (2004)- Stiller teams up with Owen Wilson to play the titular cops in this comedic retelling of a 70s television show. Stiller plays the uptight one and Wilson plays the laid back one because that’s their thing; it’s what they do. It has a star studded supporting cast of friends and confidants, but it is still nothing more than a standard buddy comedy.

“Night at the Museum” (2006)- This is arguably the best movie on the OK list. It is fun, has a great story the whole family can enjoy (which no doubt contributed to the boatload of cash this movie made), it moves at a good pace never wears out its welcome. In fact, the biggest problem I have with “Museum” is that Stiller is miscast. Stiller seems to think he is in yet another movie where he has to be chronically embarrassed. His shtick permeates the entire movie and he acts flippant when he should be conveying real emotions like fear, sadness, and wonderment. He seems lost; like he forgot how to act naturally and instead has resigned himself to a career of mugging for the camera in a bid to gain cheap laughs.

The Ugly

“The Royal Tennenbaums” (2001)- I like Wes Anderson as a filmmaker despite not being able to fully relate to his privileged world view that seems to view being rich as a blessing in an otherwise maladjusted life. But I fucking hate “The Royal Tennenbaums.” This isn’t even Stiller’s fault, but I simply haven’t seen a movie with as large of an elitist sentiment in my life. It was like Anderson told his cast to act as snobby and uninterested as if they worked at Abercrombie and Fitch. No one in this film even gives a real performance except for Stiller, who has to because he is the high strung character, and Gene Hackman as the patriarch of the Tennenbaum family. I abhorred every second of this vacuous exercise in tedium. I even watched the movie three fucking times in the hope that there was something I was missing or that I didn’t get. Nope, I still hated the shit out of it. I hated everyone and everything about it, and I have grown to find that the people who champion this film as a masterpiece are often a little full of themselves at times, are assholes, or insecure art fucks who have large collections of scarves bought with trust fund money.

“Duplex” (2003)- Stiller teams with Drew Barrymore (whose career could very well be a future test case) as a pair of newlyweds in this dreadful, laugh-free comedy from director Danny DeVito (who really should have known better). Stiller and Barrymore are harassed out of their dream home by the sweet appearing old lady next door. None of the gags work, it is too mean spirited to be funny, and too illogical to be thought provoking. Also, Stiller is on complete autopilot.

“Along Came Polly” (2004)- Once again, Stiller plays a loser that just so happens to be unlucky in love that falls for a woman seemingly out of his league (a ferret toting Jennifer Aniston) who will lead him into the most embarrassing situations all in the name of love. They are annoying and the script (from one of the writers of the “Meet the...” films) is bereft of anything funny or original. The film’s only bright spot is Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Stiller’s best friend. Hoffman gives a performance so daffy and incongruous to the rest of the movie that it seems like he is doing the best Jack Black impersonation ever attempted.

“Envy” (2004)- Critically acclaimed director Barry Levinson (“Rain Man”) actually directed this morbidly unfunny comedy about a man (Stiller) overcome with envy for his slacker neighbour (Jack Black) after the neighbour invents an aerosol that can make shit disappear. And by shit I mean poop. And by envy I mean skittish uncomfortable rage that Stiller doesn’t know how to play. Not even Christopher Walken at his Walkiniest can save this mess from being less amusing than “Gigli” was. If only they could create a spray to make this shit go away.

“Meet the Fockers” (2004)- It is very rare for me to leave a movie and feel insulted by what I had just watched, but this movie practically inspired a rage blackout in me. While the first film was hard to believe at points, it at least at its heart confronted real world problems that people have. It was those real situations that lent “Meet the Parents” a lot of its humour. “Fockers” has no heart whatsoever. All the writers did was ratchet up DeNiro’s level of crazy and Stiller’s level of buffoonery. All the writers do from there is adding two people to further embarrass Stiller’s character. The movie would have been infinitely funnier if Stiller’s parents had been normal people who were mortified by DeNiro’s militant behaviour. Instead the film casts Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand as two over sexed hippy stereotypes we have seen thousands of times before and places everyone in situations that couldn’t possibly be less realistic if they had taken place on the Death Star. No one acts like these people do. The only way any of this garbage would have made sense is if Stiller had woken up and it was all a dream. It is so terrible that it rightfully deserves the space it will occupy in people’s DVD collections just inches away from “Meet the Spartans”.

“The Heartbreak Kid” (2007)- Hopefully the fact that audiences stayed away in droves sent a message to Stiller. People seem to be sick of seeing him playing the same sad sack in every movie. Stiller goes through the motions in this re-teaming with the Farrely brothers (“There’s Something About Money”... I mean “Mary”) for a remake of an Elaine May comedy that didn’t need unfunny sex or fart jokes added to it.

Unseen and Unremarked Upon

“Next of Kin” (1989)- I had forgotten this movie altogether, but after having seen clips from it the part of me that appreciates cheese almost demands that I track it down. Patrick Swayze plays a hillbilly taking on a mob boss (Stiller, not only in a serious role, but as a villain and an Italian mobster) involved in a vending machine scam (!) that is responsible for the death of one of his brothers (played by Bill Paxton!). Swayze has help from his ruthless hillbilly brother played by... Liam Neeson (?!?!?), and his sister, played by... Helen Hunt. Not one of these people could I ever picture playing a southern backwoods type. Adding Stiller as a serious villain makes me salivate over the potential awfulness of this movie.

“Mystery Men” (1999)- I have had numerous chances to see this movie since it was released and not once would I ever have to pay for it. I have declined every time. It seems like the definition of painful to me: an all star cast shoehorned into a big budget ensemble piece that doesn’t seem funny enough to enjoy or bad enough to mock. I almost watched this film, about wanna-be superheroes setting out to save an actual superhero, earlier today, but I can honestly say that for some reason it might be one of the few films made in my lifetime that holds no appeal to me whatsoever. The fact that this movie shot the Smashmouth song “All Star” to success doesn’t make its prospects much brighter. Dane Cook’s presence in the trailer seals it.

“Tropic Thunder” (2008)- Well, it’s not out yet, is it? I will look into this one more in depth when I post part two of my summer movie outlook at the end of June. I will, however, say that despite all the shit I talk about Stiller, I am optimistic about this one.