Diddiology 3.5: "Come With Me"

Danana...Danana...Danana...Danana

As I write this that is all that is going through my head. That and constantly thinking about that giant fucking CGI effect that killed many people’s imaginations back in the early summer of 1998. And now on the 10^th anniversary of the God-awful American/French/British/Canadian/Anything but Japanese remake of “Godzilla” we examine in part 3.5 of Diddiology how the excesses of others can make you do pretty much anything; especially when a truckload of money is involved.

It was customary to have numerous tie-ins with a summer tent-pole blockbuster like Columbia Picture’s Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich created crime against humanity and common sense. There were usually toys created by some fly-by night corporation known as, of all things, Trendmasters:

There had to be a fast food tie in, that quite often would pair one cultural abomination with another:

And above all else there had to be a kick ass soundtrack. Combining disparate elements of music was nothing new. Three year’s prior the “Batman Forever” soundtrack was a huge success combining electronica, hip-hop, and rock The “Godzilla” soundtrack, however, while selling a ton of copies (it is currently out of print), had exactly two good songs on it: A Ben Folds Five song that was horribly out of place and a Rage Against the Machine song that even calls “Godzilla,” and I quote, “pure motherfuckin’ filler.”

But as much as I would love to make this post be about the myriad of reasons why “Godzilla” was an abject failure, this is still a series focusing on the myriad of reasons why Sean Combs is an abject failure. In truth, if it weren’t for “Godzilla” the series would not even exist. For his contribution to the “Godzilla” soundtrack, which had to be inspired by a shit load of money delivered in an armoured car in untraceable bills laundered through a charity bake sale for one of the bifidas, is easily one of the worst songs ever written, and if you don’t believe me, please feel free to ask my guest blogger this week, my ex-girlfriend and fellow Diddy basher, Ms. Jenna Hossack.

Last summer, in a fit of boredom, I began looking up videos that Mr. Combs made. It was late at night, probably sometime around two in the morning where you are so tired that pretty much anything and everything is hilarious. I was living with Jenna at the time and we sat down to have a great laugh at his expense. We watched the videos for “Victory” and “Come With Me,” but the latter was the one that inspired the most snarky comments. We wondered how such a terrible song could ever have been made outside of a giant, overblown Hollywood blockbuster gone terribly wrong.

The blame doesn’t really land so much with the filmmakers. In the end, they had nothing at all to do with the song. The only person you could possibly blame was Diddy who has never really tried too hard with his lyrics, but here, much like “Godzilla” he attempts to make the most over the top spectacle of a song possible by drugging (or so I hope) Jimmy Page to play the repetitive riff from Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” over something that Taking Back Sunday would describe as being, at best, worse than teenage poetry.

Andy: Do you have any opening thoughts on the song before we get going?

Jenna: When I was 11 I actually liked this song.

A: I did as well, but I think most of that was just because of the Led Zeppelin hook.

J: When we got the internet, I downloaded it.

A: I actually bought the “Godzilla” soundtrack, but I think that was mostly for Rage and Ben Folds. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. Your brother still has it on his iPod.

A: When do you think your opinion of the song changed?

J: I forgot about it during high school. Then it came up on random on mom’s computer and I was like “What. The fuck.”

A: I think for me it was when I actually saw “Godzilla.”

(Please note that this liveblogging is not time coded in any way, as it was patched together over several viewings of the video, each more punishing than the last, and over the internet. I apologize for any inconvenience Diddy made us cause.)

Andy: Is that a radar I just heard?

J: Yes.

J: Oooooooh. New York. Swanky

A: It’s always New York. He’s not allowed anywhere else.

J: Who is that singing at the beginning?

A: Whoever Puffy stole the beat to “Big Poppa” from. (Non existent editor’s note: It is actually, as I had suspected, Ron Isley)

A: When the camera pulls back from the TV like that at the start of the video, it looks like he fell asleep watching “Godzilla.”

J: What a coincidence!

A: Or started fucking to it, which is even more disturbing.

J: He could have looked a lot happier in that dream.

A: He was kind of bored. Can you see that as a come on? Let’s go back to my place to watch “Godzilla” and make love and I will show no interest in you or the TV.

A: He sleeps fully clothed and sitting down, I see.

J: BOOM!

A: He totally says “Oh shit” before Godzilla breaks the window.

J: Movie clips!

J: o hai there bus

A: He’s lucky the set falls down around him in slow motion.

J: Well, the city’s a disaster. I guess I better sing.

A: I see your loss. There’s a fucking bus in your apartment.

A: And when the apocalypse arrives Jimmy Page shall appear over Times Square.

J: Did they just bleep out pistol packing?

A: Yes. They did.

J: And trigger happy. And instead of being set on fire, he gets to go on a Willy Wonka elevator ride.

A: It’s Diddy and the Great Douche Elevator. There is now way that elevator is in the Flatiron building. In Toronto or New York.

J: Why would I want to wiretap him?

A: Time Halts? See my loss? This second verse is pretty fucking emo.

J: Look, throwing a hissy fit in an elevator that’s flying out of your building is not going to help your situation.

J: Our favourite line- “I cosigned it”

A: Yes. Shit backfired. Also, this elevator jumps ten floors at a time. There is nothing that can make you stop on, say, the 26^th floor even if you wanted to.

J: No thanks, I have enough drama.

A: Likewise, I don’t want any trauma.

A: Doves? This is just the “Victory” video.

J: Apparently Diddy is made of them. Maybe this is supposed to mean he’s dead.

J: Awwww, all pretty like. But not because of his singing.

J: Somehow there was enough time to assemble a stage and an orchestra pit in the middle of a disaster zone.

A: It’s like the orchestra pit was an airbag to catch him after his “fall from grace.”

J: I think this is a huge display of class privilege. Diddy can afford to hold a concert while the rest of the city cowers in fear.

A: He has plenty of room to breathe. No one is near him.

J: And you’re up to your ears in what?

A: It.

A: You know some women find flailing around on stage seductive.

J: They do.

A: Some say it’s lunacy.

J: I do.

J: Reluctantly moving on? After all this anger?

A: I won’t “pollitit?”

J: Forever + Ever + A Day = Never? Some weird math there.

A: He’s showing more energy here that I think he ever has. About the only dance move he doesn’t attempt is the splitz. This video is actually better put together than the movie was. That was a nice spin move.

J: That’s my Godzilla impression!

A: How did his shirt come undone?

J: His jacket came off a while ago.

A: But his shirt keeps on buttoning and unbuttoning.

J: Continuity error!

A: Turn you up? With what? You just said the same thing three times before you continued the verse. You tell the producer to turn you up at the start of the song, not two thirds of the way through it.

J: I would like to keep my ears, thank you.

J: Who the fuck has fireworks in this situation?!?

A: People afraid of getting busted for having them in the inner city any other time of the year.

J: Wheeeee! Spinny!

A: Was he just doing the monkey?

J: Probably.

A: Fuck you mic stand!

J: Diddy smash!

A: Is he trying to lure Godzilla or just annoy the fuck out of him?

J: My mom told me not to go anywhere with strangers.

A: I think he’s having a seizure.

J: Someone call a medic!

J: You aren’t taking me anywhere asshole! Is it forever or never? I need a clear answer. That way I can plan my life around avoiding you. Or rejoice in your absence.

A: No it’s forever and ever in a day that’s never.

J: Bah.

J: o hai there Godzilla

A: He looks so fucking nonchalant there. Like he’s just begging Godzilla to take a swing at him. Why doesn’t he just punch Godzilla right in the face while he’s at it?

J: He’s just that bad ass.

J: Ewwwww. Bad breath.

A: Well, I’m sure Diddy’s poo stache doesn’t smell much better.

A: And he walks away like Godzilla isn’t even worth it.

In closing: