Diddiology 3.0- "Victory"

The key word for this week’s one-two punch of Diddy aimed squarely at your solar plexus is excess. Diddy has never shied away from having a flashy lifestyle (something I will get into in greater detail in my closing argument in two weeks), but he is also a very shrewd man of limited to middling talent. As a successful producer, Diddy realized that:

1. You have to spend money to make money
2. Once you have found success, people can pay you to do just about anything.
   

While today’s entry will focus on the first aspect, I feel compelled to point out how both concepts are intertwined. Essentially, if you want to be successful in any kind of performance art other than mumenshantz or shitting on sidewalks while spouting the national anthem, you really can’t have one without the other.

I know from personal experience and from countless acquaintances that success in the entertainment industry is something you have to buy your way into. Writers often have to pay people to have their stories read. Directors who are just starting out often have to pay their own way, and once their dreams are realized they still have to pay to get their movie seen by the people who can help them eventually pay off their debts. Actors often have to pay for audition materials and manuscripts. But no matter how jaded I have become as a struggling writer, I have to admit that being a musician is probably the least life affirming profession in the arts and quite often a child’s musical dreams are crushed almost as soon as they see hundreds of other kids in their high school band alongside them. Most of them aren’t terribly good and it is often the first time a musician will realize that playing an instrument probably isn’t a sound career choice.

If a musical artist remains undeterred and chooses to make a go of it then they better have a lot of money. You have to protect your work. You have to buy and constantly replace equipment. Then you have to hit the studio either with your band or one that you have hired. The producer has to get paid or you can do it all yourself and pay even more money for the equipment. No matter how DIY you are you have to pay for CDs or tapes to get your demo out. Add the need to constantly tour to gain exposure and actually survive, you begin to wonder where you could ever find the time to take on a second job just to pay the bills. More so in music than any other medium that I can think of does luck and marketing play a bigger role. Timing is a huge part as well.

In the music industry, once you have established yourself you had better be an icon or you just won’t survive. Writers will always be able to find piecework if they want it and actors will always have bit parts. Musicians often don’t have many decent paying options, as such it can lead you do things you wouldn’t normally do, but more on that in the next entry.

Diddy, just like anyone else seriously trying to break into the music business made his own opportunities and worked his way up from being an intern, to a producer, to a manager, and a label owner, and only then did he decide quite narcissistically that he could do the same things the artists that surrounded him did. In a way, that could be the easiest way possible to gain success as a musical artist. So taking what he learned from his marketing days, Diddy decided to spend a lot of money when making the video for the second single off of “No Way Out,” “Victory.”

Admittedly, this is a pretty killer song and one of only two Diddy versed tracks that I can stomach without having much to make fun of. Diddy saw potential in the song and its Mafioso swagger, but he must have thought it would be a tough sell. Puffy was vastly outmatched and overshadowed by the late Biggie Smalls and Busta Rhymes, who is still a more commanding personality than Diddy is even when he is just singing the hook.

Strictly from a song writing standpoint, “Victory” is the strongest thing Sean Combs has ever crafted and his sampling of the “Rocky” theme is so subtle it can go almost unnoticed even by the most trained ears. By Puffy standards this entire song is almost subtle and restrained. So in order to get it noticed, Diddy crafted one of the noisiest and unsubtle videos ever created.

“Victory” ranks as the fourth costliest music video ever made, but is probably the most recognizable since numbers 1-3 are instantly forgettable (*). Directed by music video veteran Marcus Nispel (**) the video is an unapologetic inner city remake of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “The Running Man” with Diddy in the Arnold role. That would be just fine, but not only does the video not fit the song at all, it is overblown paean to ridiculousness.

Before I run the video and live blog it as I always do, I would like something noted for the record and in Diddy’s favour. Despite the astronomical cost of the video, not once does Diddy stoop to using product placement to pay for it. Pete Wentz and Young Jezzy, I am looking squarely at you guys.

0:06- I really want to know how much money it pays to dance in a tube for hours on end.

0:13- Random falling orange and banana. That shot probably cost five grand.

0:21- 3002 A.D. The setting is the Northern Region of Earth inside of a vaguely warehouse looking thing because if there is one thing we have learned from Sci-Fi movies, the future will be dark and have warehouses everywhere.

0:36- Diddy’s apartment looks like he is crashing on the abandoned set of one of the “Alien” films.

0:42- The New World Order? What is this WCW circa 1999?

0:45- Sadly, beeper technology has taken a step back over the past millennium.

0:53- Really, judging from this overhead shot you would figure even a post apocalyptic New York City would look slightly different than it does here. Also, apparently the twin towers get rebuilt at some point.

0:55- Danny DeVito appears as the host of “Chase TV.” I don’t really have a joke here, but the fact that DeVito is in the video should suffice.

1:03- A 3.6 average? In what? Ratings? Kills? School? And five seasons in the playoffs? As the video goes on everything DeVito says makes less and less sense. Also, if Diddy is 6’ 180 lbs, it could be a fair fight between the two of us if he ever decides to come after me for this column.

1:12- The first of about a bajillion explosions.

1:14- His top speed is 320 km/s. Is he a fucking cheetah? I’m afraid to see how fast he is without that big ass trench coat.

1:20- Code name: PD. Do we have to call him this now, too or is it just his character. Also, the song is just kinda, sorta, starting now-ish.

1:28 Also, just like in “Godzilla” when your ambition doesn’t entirely match your budget, you make it rain for the entire video.

2:05- It’s good to know that Diddy can stand around for a full minute and a half to spit a verse when the fucking army is chasing him.

2:07- So are you both making plaques, then?

2:26- My name is Sean Combs, pronounced “Wesley Snipes in ‘Blade’”.

2:30- OK, I really don’t know how to describe that whole sequence back there. The crazy party is still going on, Diddy is being chased by an inexplicably sparking garbage truck, and they had another shot of the military dude from earlier still shouting orders. I guess $2.7 million doesn’t buy you a decent editor.

2:39- Dennis Hopper looks reflective.

2:42- There is that same fucking military guy again! Did they just hire two guys dressed in fatigues and forget to hire the rest of the army?

2:55- A motorcycle pulling dudes on skates. I guess the rest of the army is comprised of extreme sports enthusiasts.

3:00- I would hate to fart in that tube if I had to work in it all day.

3:05- What the fuck just blew up?

3:07- Shallowest manhole ever.

3:10- Again, what is blowing up? No wonder Michael Bay hired Nispel to helm his remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” This guy will blow up anything.

3:28- Busta Rhymes shows up and has a spasm.

3:44- If they have all the helicopters and they are on a bridge, couldn’t they just surround him and blow the bridge up?

3:55- Busta looks like he has one hell of a toothache.

4:03- Back to Danny in the Diddywatch-4 helicopter. He neglects to mention that if you are heading out of the city you could hit some trouble on the bridge because it is on fucking fire.

4:18- What kind of fucked up fever dream is it where Dennis Hopper is running the free world? Didn’t they see “Super Mario Brothers?”

4:27- Apparently the Mafia has take over the world and turned everything into one giant game.

4:29- This girl in the peep hole has nothing to do with anything in this video.

4:35- How exactly is this even martyrdom? Other than it being what probably plays out in Diddy’s mind every day.

4:47- Oooooo. Delete. That couldn’t possibly be less bad ass.

5:04- Despite how ridiculous those doves look coming out of Diddy’s sleeves, this video is still better than watching “End of Days.”

5:05- Right there. That is the reason people don’t use “dog” anymore.

5:12- Why do you really need your ass on a bag of money?

5:25- Diddy is such a peaceful guy he practically shits doves.

5:28- Meanwhile in Mordor, Diddy prepares to cast the last of his dignity into the fires of Mount Doom.

5:42- No, seriously, how the hell did he get to the cliff?

5:50- Diddy’s stunt feet can leap from a mountain to a mansion in a single bound...

6:03- ...and apparently directly to another warehouse.

6:13- Diddy very tenderly tells the young man that in a world run by the mafia that you never snitch.

The last minute or so of the video just plays like a clip show of the last seven minutes.

7:07- Why the fuck don’t they just shoot him? Is his pro-tooled voice really that hypnotising?

7:19- So did he just jump into heaven or hell?

7:29- OK, now you are just using the same shots over and over again.

7:43- At least Diddy lets it be known who the real star of the song was.

*- Number one is Michael and Janet Jackson’s unlistenable duet for “Scream” that cost at the very last four times as much as “Victory” did. Two and three belong to Madonna for “Die Another Day” (a.k.a. the worst Bond theme song ever) and “Bedtime Story,” respectively. I don’t even remember the song “Bedtime Story,” let alone the video.

**- In addition to this video Nispel has directed videos for such a wide array of artists from Billy Joel and Elton John to Faith No More and No Doubt. Also, while many fan-boys deride his “Texas Chansaw” remake and are waiting with baited breath to tear apart his upcoming “Friday the 13^th” reboot, Nispel also crafted what I believe to be the best teaser trailer for a shitty movie ever: