2008 Summer Movie Preview Episode 1

“Because You Want to...” presents a “Because Everyone Else is Doing It” production: the first part of the Summer Movie Preview for 2008. This half will cover all major releases for the months of May and June. The preview for the months of July and August will be posted in late June.

May 2

“Iron Man”- It is almost always a given that the first movie to kick off the summer movie season makes a ton of money, and “Iron Man” doesn’t seem poised to be an exception. Robert Downey Jr. is the perfect choice to play Tony Stark: an alcoholic billionaire narcissist who just so happens to be a superhero. With Jon Favreau (writer of “Swingers” and director of “Elf” and “Zathura”) at the helm you can expect a summer blockbuster that doesn’t take itself too seriously with as many witticisms as explosions. Let’s just hope audiences don’t find the superhero genre to be played out just yet. Also, if you weren’t sold before I have three words for you: villainous Jeff Bridges.

Prediction (of final estimated North American box office gross): $170 million

“Made of Honor” – Patrick Dempsey (looking like an only slightly younger version of Sean Penn) sleepwalks his way through another romantic comedy en route to an easy paycheck with what sounds exactly like “My Best Friend’s Wedding 2: This Time it’s a Dude.” The terrible pun of a title makes it not only sound like the Cuba Gooding Jr. military drama “Men of Honor” but also the obscure Ally Sheedy servant-with-a-dream comedy “Maid to Order.” Despite a trailer that bounces between eye-rolling and polite snickering, this is counter programming at its finest. It will make money slowly and quietly, but money it will make. Bonus points to whoever cast Michelle Mognahan as the object of Dempsey’s affection.

Prediction: $85 million

May 9

“Speed Racer”- I could think of a billion things I would rather do than watch a shitty looking live action version of a shitty cartoon. The list would be witty and full of painful ways to kill oneself without actually succeeding. I refrain because everything about this movie other than the cast seems so bad it doesn’t deserve that much effort. The whole “from the directors of the Matrix” thing ensures one good weekend at the box office and then I fear it will be the punch-line of bad movies jokes for every following week and possibly for years to come; with the exception of a few die hard anime fans who are salivating over this I don’t know of a single soul interested in this.

Prediction: $75 million

“What Happens in Vegas”- I couldn’t think of two better people to star in a movie about greedy people who have a shotgun wedding and then attempt a quickie annulment in hopes of securing a casino won windfall. I do not mean this is a compliment, necessarily. Ashton Kutcher (who at least looks like he is having fun in the trailer) and Cameron Diaz (who does not) could play greedy gold-diggers in their sleep. The trailer has the feel of a sitcom pilot, but that is the kind of comedy Kutcher excels at. I am also going to go out on a limb and say that the movie going public really doesn’t give a shit about either one of them anymore; at least not until they try something different.

Prediction: $35 million

May 16

“The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian”- I don’t think one single movie in recent history could have as much riding on it as this one does. If it fails the film’s producer, Walden Media (who has recently fallen flat on its face with such like minded family fare as “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium”, “The Water Horse”, and most recently “Nim’s Island”), is finished. A Walden Media movie is almost always a costly affair (with the exception of maybe “Holes”) and with the exception of the first “Narnia” none of them have turned a profit. Hopefully they threw every last dime they had at this one to make it as good as possible. Reports suggest they did since they pushed the release back from this past holiday season to the summer to work on the effects and do some re-shoots. Yet, I am shocked at the lack of marketing I have seen for this one. It is ominous especially for something that is ostensibly a niche franchise like “Narnia” that they aren’t really trying to convert the average movie goer and are relying instead on die-hard fans. Anything less than $200 million will be considered an abject failure.

Prediction: $110 million but look for it to pull in a lot more overseas.

May 23

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”- Do I seem to be the only one worried about the quality of this movie? Harrison Ford has gone beyond old and gotten really fucking old. Seeing him in interviews lately (especially the God awful one he gave to Barbara Walters on Oscar night) I am amazed he didn’t die on the set just from being in the sun. Also, screenwriter George Lucas’ track record recently is suspect at best. But who am I kidding? This movie will rip shit up.

Prediction: $400 million

May 30

“Sex & the City”- Curiosity is a powerful thing. People who haven’t seen the show (which I abhor) will go to see what the big deal is to warrant a movie. Fans of the show will go not only for a continuation of the story line, but to see if it is really any different. Both crowds guarantee a good opening weekend. It will be interesting to see how a movie based on a cable TV show performs in the long run. My guess is not very well at all.

Prediction: $50 million

“The Strangers”- Having a great trailer doesn’t necessarily translate into great success. The fact that it has no bankable stars and that it has been delayed for over a year now does not bode well. Scary movies, however, always fare best in a summer season when released in late May or late August. It doesn’t look half bad and it seems like a good remedy for anyone looking for old fashioned thrills that doesn’t want a big budget blockbuster or a romantic comedy. And if movies like “Bug” and “Vacancy” can make money this time of year, this film shouldn’t have any problem.

Prediction: $35 million but it could go higher if any of the film going public has gotten aggravated at the lack of choices this month. The gross will also climb if its “‘Scream’ for a new generation” hype turns out to be true.

June 6

“You Don’t Mess With the Zohan”- Remember earlier when I said “Made of Honor” was a bad title? This is far worse. Adam Sandler films always make money (unless he is trying to be somewhat serious), but even with co-writer Judd Apatow on board this feels like Sandler coasting more than usual. If you find the cadence of someone who may or may not be gay hilarious, or if you find Israeli terrorism a subject that makes you giggle, this just might be your kind of movie. Me, I will just sit at home watching “Happy Gilmore” and “The Wedding Singer” while wondering what the fuck happened. Also, if you care, Rob Scheneider is in it as well. Odds are at 3-1 that he says “You can do eeeeeeet.” at least once. Also, please no more assassin comedies. They never do anything new anymore.

Prediction: $120 million

“Kung Fu Panda”- It looks cute and has an amazingly talented cast of voices. Dreamworks animation can be hit or miss at times, but in a summer that has thus far been devoid of an animated film for the whole family, it could be the sleeper of the summer.

Prediction: $150 million or higher

June 13

“The Incredible Hulk”- Let’s set aside recent problems regarding the editing of the film. Does it look good? Meh. Does the story sound interesting? Aside from a villain known as The Abomination, meh. Does it stand up well when you put it alongside Ang Lee’s “Hulk”? In terms of spectacle, it looks better; in terms of substance it looks considerably bleaker. Does this movie feel at all necessary? No. At least we probably won’t have to deal with the annoying split screens Lee’s version suffered from (or Hulk hopping from sand dunes), and with “Transporter” director Louis Leterrier at the helm his rumoured 30 minute all Hulk action sequence should at least be entertaining.

Prediction: $120 million if they get their shit together and come up with a better ad campaign in time. $70 million if there is little to no change.

“The Happening”- M. Night Shymalan. “What a twist!” An eco-thriller about plagues (and killer trees) that causes mass suicide. I wish I was speculating, but it is what it is. I am going to forget that they trailer offended just about every sensibility I had and give Shymalan the benefit of the doubt on this one. I do want to see where he is going with this, and I don’t doubt that other people won’t bite as well regardless of how good or bad the movie is. EDIT: The teaser that came out last summer was the one that offended me. The new trailer seems a lot better.

Preciction: $100 million

June 20

“Get Smart”- I remember when a little movie called “The Fast and the Furious” came out. It was an indie film, I think. As soon as the trailer debuted everyone I knew that was a cinema snob shit all over it and general audiences ate it up like the sugar coated candy it was. I never once poked fun at how cheesy it looked. I insisted the movie would make a mint and everyone scoffed at me. I was working at a movie theatre at the time and I decided to take the opening weekend of “The Fast and the Furious” off despite having no plans at all. I went in on opening night to find lines out the door, the building woefully understaffed and every performance sold out for the rest of the night. I promptly laughed in everyone’s face since it was my turn to be the asshole. Fast forward to today. “Get Smart” has a great trailer and a perfectly capable cast (Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, The Rock, Alan Arkin, and more than a few cameos). Plus, it’s based on a TV show few teenagers today have even seen or heard of. Once again, even people I know who laughed at the trailer say that no one is going to see it. Watch and see, friends. Watch and see.

Prediction: $110 million, but only because it is unfortunate enough to open on the same day as...

“The Love Guru”- I need to take a breath. I have been dreading about writing about this one since I decided to take on this project. It has been mocking me this entire time. I am under constant threat of launching into uncontrollable profanity in explaining why this movie is an unfunny looking rehash of everything Meyer’s has done in the past fifteen years and how Meyers has squandered every last ounce of his talent and good will with me over the years. Meyer’s has unwittingly become one of the four horsemen of the comedic apocalypse alongside Eddie Murphy (Death because he has been around for so long that he has beaten his career to death as well as audiences hopes and dreams for him to ever be funny or good again), Jimmy Fallon (Famine because he is devoid of any humour and still gets work like taking over Conan O’ Brien’s spot on the late show when Conan moves up to take Leno’s spot), and Larry the Cable Guy (Pestilence because he is just fucking annoying). That leaves Meyers as Plague. On the surface he looks innocuous, but once he gets under your skin you are paralysed to watch whatever he shits out. Let’s look at his career: “Wayne’s World” was great. The sequel was terrible. “Austin Powers” the first two were great and the third was an unfunny piece of shit that I had to watch twice just to confirm that I wasn’t in a bad mood the first time I saw it and it really was a huge waste of my time. The first two “Shrek” movies were good, and the third one got old. In case you can’t see what I am getting at, let me spell it out. Meyers is simply creating a wacky new character he can beat into the ground with numerous sequels so he won’t have to come up an original idea for the next ten years. Meyers will gladly take all your money and laugh his way to the bank (or his bathtub in an admittedly funny bit on a Dave Foley Christmas special). This movie really doesn’t look funny and it honestly seems like a zanier version of an Eddie Murphy forgotten flop from the late 90s called “Holy Man.” I guess the plagues need to stick together. Having said that, I must point out that no matter how riotously pissed off he gets me; I don’t doubt Meyer’s capacity for good. I still believe he has good work in him. He just needs to stop doing it all himself. I will need at least three credible friends who I would trust with my life to tell me this is the funniest thing Meyers has ever done for me to consider seeing this.

Prediction: $200 million

“Kit Kittredge: An American Girl”- Were the producers of the “American Girl” series of books just waiting for someone to come along like Abigail Breslin to star? It is slight to be sure, but branding alone will guarantee it one decent to middling weekend before the ass kicking it will receive from “Wall-e” the following weekend.

Prediction: $25 million